Recently, I went through a very painful and dark period, after my furry soulmate Shania passed away. Suddenly I was buffeted by such strong emotional winds that I felt I could not cope. At first, I did my best to pretend that everything was perfectly fine. However, it was not long before everything crumbled and I felt tired all the time, was physically ill, had no appetite, and couldn’t muster the strength to get out of bed.

It was during this time that I read The Tao of Fully Feeling and from there I started to explore the interesting field of Buddhism. Unlike a lot of Western psychology which emphasizes only the positive, Buddhism starts off by looking at suffering, the causes of suffering, the cessation of suffering, and how to achieve it through the 8-fold path. That Path is the path to enlightenment.

Buddhism, Enlightenment, and Suffering

Enlightenment –
A concept in spirituality, philosophy and psychology related to achieving clarity of perception, reason and knowledge.
Being advanced and having gained necessary information or knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.
(buddhism & hinduism) A state in which the individual transcends desire and suffering and attains nirvana.
~~[Your Dictionary]

The wonderful thing about Buddhism is that it approaches emotions and suffering from the deep perspective of understanding and wisdom. In this way, all the definitions above apply. Enlightenment is achieved not through some arcane ritual that we take on faith, but through deep self-examination, self-experience, and reflection on the three characteristics of all phenomenon –

1. Impermanence – Everything rises and ceases. Because everything is transient, we will face loss; the loss of belongings, the loss of loved ones, the loss of happiness, aging, illness, and death.
2. Dissatisfaction – It is in the nature of our mind to continuously categorize all things as good, bad, or neutral. As a result of this we form attachments to the good and aversions to the bad. Because all things are impermanent, we get dissatisfied and suffer when conditions change from what we perceive as good, to what we perceive as bad.
3. Emptiness and No-Self – All three of these characteristics are quite deep and nuanced, however, this last one was the most difficult to understand and accept. Emptiness refers to how all things are empty of inherent existence. In the Dalai Lama’s book on Buddhism he captures this concept well by explaining how a melody is not contained within a flute. Rather, it is brought forth by the combination of musician, flute, and air vibrations. I.e. the melody is not intrinsic to the instrument but arises dependent on various causes and conditions.
    
   Similarly, our emotions are not intrinsic to us, but arise dependent on causes and conditions. Remove any one of those causes and conditions, and the emotion ceases to arise. Our brain’s categorization of all things into good, bad, and neutral are also empty of inherent existence. They arise based on conditions such as our emotions at the moment, physical sensations, mood, habits, beliefs, memories, and more. Change any one of those things and we get a different result.
    
   Good, bad, evil, loser, and other traits that we commonly attribute to self or other are also not intrinsic. What we consider to be the self of this moment, is different from the self of the previous moment, and that of the next moment. We may judge an act to be cruel, but like the melody, the act is not intrinsic to self or other. Just like everything else, it arises dependent on causes and conditions. Blame in this context becomes pointless.

Repeated reflection on the three characteristics, together with the application of appropriate antidotes can be very helpful for emotion regulation and in stopping entanglement with problematic emotions.

Our minds are infinitely malleable. It can learn, change, and grow in a fairly short period of time. This makes us highly adaptable, which is a great advantage to our survival and evolution. Whatever unhealthy habits and incorrect beliefs we have formed in childhood and later can be unlearned, retrained, changed. However, this also means that our minds are susceptible to unhealthy suggestions, misunderstandings, and pervasive conditioning. This is why we employ mindfulness, introspective awareness, the 3 characteristics, and various antidotes, to prevent such disturbances.

The Problem with Enlightenment

The problem with enlightenment or the promise of an end to suffering, is that we quickly cling to attainment of that ideal. In so doing, we give in to our fear of suffering and end up pushing enlightenment farther away. This is similar to how the direct pursuit of happiness makes us more unhappy.

As always, the answer lies not in the goal, but rather in the journey itself. The Buddhist Path gives us the tools to lessen our suffering each and every day, if we choose to travel upon it. The Path or journey is its own reward, just as life is its own reward. Neither needs a meaning or an end-goal. Grasping for an end to suffering will only create greater dissatisfaction for us in the present, and prolong our current suffering.

I recently read an article on the enlightenment experiences of several Buddhist teachers. Described within it are a series of personal accounts of spontaneous enlightenment, achieved after having met Poonja-ji. Even more interesting is a follow-up article with a series of responses from teachers and luminaries in the field. Here are excerpts from some of the responses –

Perhaps your issue has done the community a favor in displaying the very prejudice and pride that, hidden behind the cloak of “liberation spirituality,” is ripping the planet apart. Our vulnerability to such spiritual narcissism tends to weaken faith and confidence in the very practices that are intended to liberate.
~~[Michele McDonald-Smith and Steven Smith, Insight Meditation Society and Vipassana Hawaii]

I think this pointing-out instruction is particularly relevant to us in America, where we seem to have a penchant for the “quick fix,” even in spiritual practice. Intimations of freedom are not liberation. They can either inspire us further or lull us into complacency. It is up to us.
~~[Joseph Goldstein, Insight Meditation Society]

Given that this debate is one that has bedeviled the Buddhist community for centuries (cf. gradual versus sudden enlightenment in Zen), we would have hoped for a more balanced approach, … Exposure to other perspectives and teachers can certainly be helpful in gaining fresh insights that make our previous understanding seem incomplete, even naïve. This need not indicate a deficiency in that first tradition, merely an immaturity and impatience in oneself.
~~[Fred von Allmen, Damma Gruppe, Stephen Batchelor, Gaia House]

I am fairly new to Buddhist teachings but here are my thoughts on the two articles. The first article increased my doubts on the truth of enlightenment. While spontaneous enlightenment may make memorable stories, they lack in methodology and do nothing to help increase my understanding of emotions, self, life, or anything else. Furthermore, these stories were told by teachers who have not had success with years of following rigorous practice and techniques, only to go searching for something better. This does not exactly instill confidence in the teachings.

The second article pulled no punches and was definitely a burn. Perhaps we should only be happy for our fellow sentient beings who have achieved a temporary peace. However, a rebuttal may be necessary due to the doubts and misunderstandings left by the first article.

Is Anyone Truly Enlightened?

All this left me to wonder if anyone is truly enlightened. These are all people who have practiced the Path for a long time and yet they seemed not too different from the rest of us; still beset with emotional warts and afflictions. Then it struck me that this comparison is self-defeating and a product of getting entangled in doubt and fear. In actuality, I learned many things from both articles and they inspired me to write this piece.

Enlightenment is not an all or nothing event. For me, enlightenment is a process of understanding. It is the mind trying to understand itself. This increased understanding has helped in my day-to-day emotional health. I still get entangled in afflictive emotions, but less so today than yesterday.

The articles made me realize that I was still grasping for the end-goal of some special enlightened state. Instead, a daily focus on practicing mindfulness, introspective awareness, as well as contemplating the 3 characteristics was already bringing good results and would likely serve me well for the future. Ultimately, I do not know if true enlightenment or a total end to suffering is possible. What I *do* know is that grasping for a total end to suffering will only bring us more suffering.

The many teachings of Buddhism have made a big difference in my life. I do not agree with all of the doctrine, but the spirit of questioning lies at the heart Buddhism. This adherence to mind exploration and freedom are what I love most about Buddhism.

It is said that the famous ninth-century Chinese Buddhist monk Linji Yixuan told his disciples, “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” The statement deliberately confounds people and is meant to jolt them from complacent ways of thinking. However, beyond this purpose there is another. One should seek the inner Buddha nature that resides within, not an external Buddha for liberation.
~~[Oxford University Press]

If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha. In other words, if you encounter a “Buddha” separate from yourself, you are deluded.
~~[Learn Religions]

Most of us romanticize love. Love is joy, happiness, deep affection, kindness, generosity, gratitude, sugar and spice and everything nice. We want to believe that there is a purity to love. It transcends the calamities and suffering of this Earth, and lets us soar into the vastness of the heavens. Love is our reward for suffering.

Similarly, we vilify fear and pain. They are the tools of the devil, to be avoided at all costs for the monstrosities that they are. In purity there is certainty, and in certainty there is a kind of peace.

Unfortunately for us, reality is not pure, neither is love, nor fear or suffering. When we aspire to a love that is pure, we inflict more pain and more hurt on ourselves.

Purity of Love

Our search for a pure love or a perfect love comes from a desire to escape the impure and imperfect. Impurity and imperfection are seen as failures, weaknesses, something less than divine. Our fear of failure or of weakness drives us toward a hyper-desire of success, which leads to a need for purity and perfection.

There is nothing wrong with aspiring to success. It is only when this need is fueled by fear, leading to an intolerance of failure that we run into problems.

In reality, love is not pure. When we love, we fear and we suffer. When we love someone or something, they become precious to us and we naturally fear their loss. The deeper the love, the deeper the fear. Since nature is impermanent that loss will one day occur, at which time we will feel pain and suffering. The deeper the love, the deeper the suffering. Those are the rules of life, the way we humans are wired, and the way our reality works.

Love and Addiction

What is addiction and how does it relate to love?

Addiction is “the state of being compulsively committed to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.”
~~[Dictionary.com]

Addiction can be seen as a condition of loving too much or loving compulsively. Life gurus commonly advise us to “not love too much”, as if love can be measured out in tablespoons, cups, and ounces. We have no more control of whom or what we love than the measure of that love.

But does addiction really originate from love?

I would argue that addiction originates from fear. When we love deeply, we fear loss. Because we fear the pain of loss, we develop an intense desire to permanently hold onto the object of our deep affection. This hyper-desire can become an addiction. We become clingy, quick to jealousy, and cannot let our love out of our sight.

After we suffer a loss, we can also become addicted to drugs, narcotics, or some other substance, person, or activity to numb or redirect our emotions from the fear and pain of loss.

My grandmother was a gambler. She lost much of her money and the family’s money due to her gambling habit. Ultimately, she was only given a fixed allowance because she could not control her addiction. I believe that she was addicted to gambling not because she loved playing cards but because she feared not having money and thus not having any value or love in life. As many of us are taught, she equated money with self-value and self-love.

Such gamblers often lose everything because they fear failing and losing their money so much that they play not based on skill but based on emotion. They make risky big bets and strategy goes out the window because fear is frequently in total control. They do not enjoy playing the game, and experience only brief enjoyment in the winning of a hand. Even the pleasure of winning quickly disappears as fear once again takes the helm and induces the gambler to win the next one and the next. Most of the time she is in terrible agony, anticipating an upcoming loss.

Love and Suffering

When we love deeply, everywhere we see love,
When love dies, everywhere we see loss and pain,
There is no escape, even for our agile consciousness.
We cannot travel to the past,
We cannot stay in the present,
We cannot go to the future,
Everywhere there is suffering.

Suffering is a human condition because love is a human condition. We are born to love and from love comes fear and suffering. When we try to deny this fact of life, we fear and suffer more. This was what happened to me when I lost my two beloved Huskies.

We are naturally wired to avoid or fear pain and suffering. However, if we overly fear suffering, then we develop a deep fear of loss, which can in turn cause us to reject love. Love can be very painful when we lose a loved one and that pain stays with us for as long as we love, which in many cases is for the rest of our lives.

Unfortunately, every time we reject love, we feed our fear of loss. As our fear gets stronger, we reject more and more, thereby leading to a very narrow and isolated life. My mother led such a life and it was not a happy one. In her quest to avoid suffering, she ended up creating a lot more unnecessary suffering for herself. She spent her life rejecting everyone and everything so she ended up alone, depressed, and full of fear.

After my dogs died, I was well on my way down that dangerous path. Luckily, an open minded doctor pointed me in the right general direction and I have since realized that the best way to deal with the fear and pain of loss is to face it head-on.

Facing fear and pain is difficult because I have to override my natural body’s inclination for protection. However, it is a very worthy endeavor because by facing fear we free ourselves to truly live and truly love. I never knew how much I let fear control my life and make decisions for me until I stopped running away from her. When I started really listening to fear, I saw that she permeated every aspect and most moments of my life.

Fear and suffering are often seen as terrible things that must be avoided at all costs. As we go through life, this fear grows. It is no coincidence that Hell is seen as a place of eternal pain and suffering.

However, when we start tending to our fear and pain, we see that they are not as monstrous as our fear and society may lead us believe. In fact, fear can be exciting, which is why many people ride roller coasters or go bungee jumping and sky diving. Fear can also enhance attraction as has been shown in many experiments. This is why scary movie date-nights are popular with the young. Emotional pain or suffering can also evoke deeper feelings of love. James Cameron’s Titanic was particularly moving because the pain of loss added a poignancy to the love.

When I let myself feel the pain of loss fully, I also feel a very deep love. Just as the dark makes the light seem brighter, fear and pain can make love more powerful. Frequently, we feel many different emotions simultaneously. Some may dominate at certain times but there is usually a mix. Love can be achingly beautiful and memories can be bittersweet. This is the reality of being human.

Unconditional Love

After facing my fears I finally understand that many of the things I thought I loved, didn’t come from love at all but from fear. I had to be perfectly successful, beautiful, youthful, happy, and productive in order to be loved. Love came with conditions … conditions set by fear. I feared failure, aging, suffering, pain, and not being useful. Most of all I feared not being loved.

I never received unconditional love from my parents and didn’t really know what it was until I met Shania and JJ. I love Shania and JJ no matter what. I love them through good and bad times, through aging and illness, and also through death. It did not matter whether they loved me in return. Every day with them was a song because I love them.

True love is unconditional love.

Many of us go through life busily looking for unconditional love, but in our mad striving we are never able to find it or even give it to ourselves. In our grasping for love we fail to recognize that true love cannot be directly pursued but ensues from us giving it to others and ourselves. Shania was especially easy to love. Whatever love I gave her she mirrored back to me many times over. Even though she is no longer with me, I will forever be grateful for sharing ten wonderful years with her.

Loving my mother is much harder. She rejected me my whole life so there are few positive memories and many painful ones. Yet, bitterness and anger of her and my difficult childhood has only created additional and prolonged suffering for myself. When we hold onto grudges and reject our natural state of loving-kindness, we hurt ourselves most of all.

In life, we often dole out love in little miserly bits as if it were a scarce resource. Love is highly valued by all, we have limitless amounts to give, and yet we selfishly hold onto it. We have silly rules and silly games that we play with each other because we fear rejection.

We are so hung up with conditions on love that we even made God’s love be conditional. There are God’s rules that must be followed, sins to avoid, karma to be accrued. We cannot enter Heaven’s gates until our ledger is properly balanced in the right way.

How to Find Love?

Since we have boundless love to give, should we give unconditional love to all? Should our love extend to even the vilest figures of history?

I do not think it is possible to give unconditional love to all. We are, after all, limited by time, and like all things we want to grow, love needs tending. Part of life is choosing which loves we wish to nourish.

The tragedy of life is that we frequently spend so much of it running away from fear that we have little time left over to tend to love. Therefore, the first step to finding love is to face our fears. If we tend to our fears, do deep listening, and weaken its hold on us, we will leave a lot of room for love to expand.

By recognizing the nature of fear, we can also start to recognize those who are filled with and controlled by fear. Sadly, both my parents fall into this category. It is important to remember that all of us have fear. It can neither be wished away nor trained into extinction. Fear will always be part of us. The trick is to tend to it properly and not be controlled by it. We can start tending to our fears at any time of our choosing. However, we have no control over the chosen time of another.

Your happiness and suffering depend on your actions and not on my wishes for you.
~~[Jack Kornfield]

It would be marvelous if my parents were able to give unconditional love but they are too beset by inherited and self-made fears to do so. It would be fantastic if they decided to change, but they have thus far chosen not to. Still, my inner child loves them in an unconditional way, and that is ok.

I was in conflict with myself for a long time over loving my parents. My adult self did not want to love people who continued to hurt and reject me, parents or no. But there is nothing wrong and in fact much good in letting a part of myself continue to love them. However, I am not on speaking terms with my father because it is only possible to have a one-sided relationship with him. Him dictating and demanding large sums of money, and everybody else following his dictates and giving him what he wants. If he ever decides to change I will happily accept him with open arms, but in the meantime, I am not holding my breath.

Memories of my childhood will always be painful and I have accepted that. My parents are not capable of giving unconditional love and I have accepted that as well. I am not sure if this is true forgiveness but this is the closest I have ever come to it.

Many life gurus advise us to practice forgiveness as if it were the easiest thing in the world. I believe that real forgiveness can only come after facing our fears and pain, going through them, and reaching a true understanding of those who have harmed us. It is this real forgiveness that is earned through pain, which can ultimately bring us to a place of peace and love.

Meaning of Life

All of us want happiness and to be loved. So we rush this way and that way looking for both. But the urgency and mad grasping comes from fear and not from love. When we realize that and stop running, when we face our suffering and stop feeding it, unconditional love will naturally emerge because it was there all along.

When we give unconditional love, it will come back to us many times over. There is no need to hurry, true love is everywhere and always within us. We only need to open our eyes and see it, through our fear and pain.

No one knows the true meaning of life, if there is one to be known. But not knowing is the essence of freedom, and freedom is a very good thing. With this freedom we can listen to the stories of others, decide for ourselves what is good and honest, and come up with our own stories to warm our hearts and fill our souls with love.