Recently, I went through a very painful and dark period, after my furry soulmate Shania passed away. Suddenly I was buffeted by such strong emotional winds that I felt I could not cope. At first, I did my best to pretend that everything was perfectly fine. However, it was not long before everything crumbled and I felt tired all the time, was physically ill, had no appetite, and couldn’t muster the strength to get out of bed.

It was during this time that I read The Tao of Fully Feeling and from there I started to explore the interesting field of Buddhism. Unlike a lot of Western psychology which emphasizes only the positive, Buddhism starts off by looking at suffering, the causes of suffering, the cessation of suffering, and how to achieve it through the 8-fold path. That Path is the path to enlightenment.

Buddhism, Enlightenment, and Suffering

Enlightenment –
A concept in spirituality, philosophy and psychology related to achieving clarity of perception, reason and knowledge.
Being advanced and having gained necessary information or knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.
(buddhism & hinduism) A state in which the individual transcends desire and suffering and attains nirvana.
~~[Your Dictionary]

The wonderful thing about Buddhism is that it approaches emotions and suffering from the deep perspective of understanding and wisdom. In this way, all the definitions above apply. Enlightenment is achieved not through some arcane ritual that we take on faith, but through deep self-examination, self-experience, and reflection on the three characteristics of all phenomenon –

1. Impermanence – Everything rises and ceases. Because everything is transient, we will face loss; the loss of belongings, the loss of loved ones, the loss of happiness, aging, illness, and death.
2. Dissatisfaction – It is in the nature of our mind to continuously categorize all things as good, bad, or neutral. As a result of this we form attachments to the good and aversions to the bad. Because all things are impermanent, we get dissatisfied and suffer when conditions change from what we perceive as good, to what we perceive as bad.
3. Emptiness and No-Self – All three of these characteristics are quite deep and nuanced, however, this last one was the most difficult to understand and accept. Emptiness refers to how all things are empty of inherent existence. In the Dalai Lama’s book on Buddhism he captures this concept well by explaining how a melody is not contained within a flute. Rather, it is brought forth by the combination of musician, flute, and air vibrations. I.e. the melody is not intrinsic to the instrument but arises dependent on various causes and conditions.
    
   Similarly, our emotions are not intrinsic to us, but arise dependent on causes and conditions. Remove any one of those causes and conditions, and the emotion ceases to arise. Our brain’s categorization of all things into good, bad, and neutral are also empty of inherent existence. They arise based on conditions such as our emotions at the moment, physical sensations, mood, habits, beliefs, memories, and more. Change any one of those things and we get a different result.
    
   Good, bad, evil, loser, and other traits that we commonly attribute to self or other are also not intrinsic. What we consider to be the self of this moment, is different from the self of the previous moment, and that of the next moment. We may judge an act to be cruel, but like the melody, the act is not intrinsic to self or other. Just like everything else, it arises dependent on causes and conditions. Blame in this context becomes pointless.

Repeated reflection on the three characteristics, together with the application of appropriate antidotes can be very helpful for emotion regulation and in stopping entanglement with problematic emotions.

Our minds are infinitely malleable. It can learn, change, and grow in a fairly short period of time. This makes us highly adaptable, which is a great advantage to our survival and evolution. Whatever unhealthy habits and incorrect beliefs we have formed in childhood and later can be unlearned, retrained, changed. However, this also means that our minds are susceptible to unhealthy suggestions, misunderstandings, and pervasive conditioning. This is why we employ mindfulness, introspective awareness, the 3 characteristics, and various antidotes, to prevent such disturbances.

The Problem with Enlightenment

The problem with enlightenment or the promise of an end to suffering, is that we quickly cling to attainment of that ideal. In so doing, we give in to our fear of suffering and end up pushing enlightenment farther away. This is similar to how the direct pursuit of happiness makes us more unhappy.

As always, the answer lies not in the goal, but rather in the journey itself. The Buddhist Path gives us the tools to lessen our suffering each and every day, if we choose to travel upon it. The Path or journey is its own reward, just as life is its own reward. Neither needs a meaning or an end-goal. Grasping for an end to suffering will only create greater dissatisfaction for us in the present, and prolong our current suffering.

I recently read an article on the enlightenment experiences of several Buddhist teachers. Described within it are a series of personal accounts of spontaneous enlightenment, achieved after having met Poonja-ji. Even more interesting is a follow-up article with a series of responses from teachers and luminaries in the field. Here are excerpts from some of the responses –

Perhaps your issue has done the community a favor in displaying the very prejudice and pride that, hidden behind the cloak of “liberation spirituality,” is ripping the planet apart. Our vulnerability to such spiritual narcissism tends to weaken faith and confidence in the very practices that are intended to liberate.
~~[Michele McDonald-Smith and Steven Smith, Insight Meditation Society and Vipassana Hawaii]

I think this pointing-out instruction is particularly relevant to us in America, where we seem to have a penchant for the “quick fix,” even in spiritual practice. Intimations of freedom are not liberation. They can either inspire us further or lull us into complacency. It is up to us.
~~[Joseph Goldstein, Insight Meditation Society]

Given that this debate is one that has bedeviled the Buddhist community for centuries (cf. gradual versus sudden enlightenment in Zen), we would have hoped for a more balanced approach, … Exposure to other perspectives and teachers can certainly be helpful in gaining fresh insights that make our previous understanding seem incomplete, even naïve. This need not indicate a deficiency in that first tradition, merely an immaturity and impatience in oneself.
~~[Fred von Allmen, Damma Gruppe, Stephen Batchelor, Gaia House]

I am fairly new to Buddhist teachings but here are my thoughts on the two articles. The first article increased my doubts on the truth of enlightenment. While spontaneous enlightenment may make memorable stories, they lack in methodology and do nothing to help increase my understanding of emotions, self, life, or anything else. Furthermore, these stories were told by teachers who have not had success with years of following rigorous practice and techniques, only to go searching for something better. This does not exactly instill confidence in the teachings.

The second article pulled no punches and was definitely a burn. Perhaps we should only be happy for our fellow sentient beings who have achieved a temporary peace. However, a rebuttal may be necessary due to the doubts and misunderstandings left by the first article.

Is Anyone Truly Enlightened?

All this left me to wonder if anyone is truly enlightened. These are all people who have practiced the Path for a long time and yet they seemed not too different from the rest of us; still beset with emotional warts and afflictions. Then it struck me that this comparison is self-defeating and a product of getting entangled in doubt and fear. In actuality, I learned many things from both articles and they inspired me to write this piece.

Enlightenment is not an all or nothing event. For me, enlightenment is a process of understanding. It is the mind trying to understand itself. This increased understanding has helped in my day-to-day emotional health. I still get entangled in afflictive emotions, but less so today than yesterday.

The articles made me realize that I was still grasping for the end-goal of some special enlightened state. Instead, a daily focus on practicing mindfulness, introspective awareness, as well as contemplating the 3 characteristics was already bringing good results and would likely serve me well for the future. Ultimately, I do not know if true enlightenment or a total end to suffering is possible. What I *do* know is that grasping for a total end to suffering will only bring us more suffering.

The many teachings of Buddhism have made a big difference in my life. I do not agree with all of the doctrine, but the spirit of questioning lies at the heart Buddhism. This adherence to mind exploration and freedom are what I love most about Buddhism.

It is said that the famous ninth-century Chinese Buddhist monk Linji Yixuan told his disciples, “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” The statement deliberately confounds people and is meant to jolt them from complacent ways of thinking. However, beyond this purpose there is another. One should seek the inner Buddha nature that resides within, not an external Buddha for liberation.
~~[Oxford University Press]

If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha. In other words, if you encounter a “Buddha” separate from yourself, you are deluded.
~~[Learn Religions]

Unfortunately, such fear motivated desires rarely lead to fulfillment. These desires are extreme, outcome based, uncompromising, intolerant, and not in-step with reality. As soon as we succeed, fear compels us to race toward the next goal, the next one after, and on and on it goes. Nothing is ever good enough and only constant perfection will do. Since our world is imperfect and ever changing, we will forever be racing about, always one step in front of fear, trying to achieve the impossible.

What Is Wasting Time?

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
~~[Bertrand Russell]

What is wasting time? To answer this question we need to set up some kind of value system for our time. In essence, this would be a value system for our life and for ourselves. If we spend our time achieving our meaning of life goals, then we are not wasting time, and we are worthy.

Our current society’s value system is based on money (material possessions), power (influence over others), and fame (admiration from others). Of course history and experience has shown us that the rich, powerful, and famous, do not live more meaningful, happy, or peaceful lives than anybody else. In fact, research shows that those who prioritize such extrinsic goals are least likely to be happy.

Thoreau, Bertrand Russell, and others may perhaps argue that enjoyment is the true currency of life. Enjoying beauty (nature, literature, song) and enjoying the process of creation are often cited as two of the key reasons for living. Therefore, to not waste time we should try to experience as much beauty as we can and create as much as we can. However, when life turns and presents us with pain and suffering, do we lose our reasons for living? When we no longer enjoy or cannot enjoy anything, for example when deep in grief or chronic depression, how do we cope? As Frankl discussed in Man’s Search for Meaning, enjoyment alone is insufficient as a meaning of life.

So then what qualifies as a worthy enough purpose for our time and for our life?

Fear of Wasting Time

Our fear of wasting time comes from our love of life. Because we love life, we naturally fear death and fear not utilizing our limited time to the fullest. Feelings of fear are normal and will arise whenever we love. If we love, we will fear the loss of that which we love.

Many of us see fear as a terrible enemy that must be eradicated from our lives. However, fear only becomes a problem when we do not tend to it and try to suppress or reject it instead. By trying to eradicate fear, we feed it and make it stronger.

When we analyze our fear of wasting time, we will realize that it more accurately comes from a fear of unhappiness or feeling bad. We only have a limited amount of time so we do not want to waste it feeling bad, unhappy, or discontented. We may reason that money, fame, and power will make us happy and so consider the pursuit of these happiness substitutes to be *not* wasting time. Similarly we may reason that enjoyment brings us happiness and pursue that instead.

The problem with these direct pursuits is that they originate from fear. Fear motivated pursuits often become hyper-desires, which are unhealthy, unrealistic, outcome based, and extreme. Fear narrows our perspective so that avoiding a negative outcome takes on an outsized importance. This results in a hyper-desire to achieve a positive outcome no matter what. In this case, we are so afraid of wasting time or feeling bad that we develop a hyper-desire to feel good all of the time. Any time we feel a little bit bad, fear comes and we frantically go searching for something else, something special, that will make us feel good again. When we cannot match the happiness of previous experiences, we become discontented and then fearful. When we see someone else being more happy, we become discontented and then fearful. Anything short of perfect happiness becomes a waste of time.

Ultimately, fear causes us to withdraw from life because nothing in life is good enough. We start to ask ourselves, “is this all there is to life?”

Is This All There Is to Life?

Life is not perfect. Whenever we use perfection as our yardstick for success, we will surely fail. That failure will cause us more pain and suffering, which will lead to more self-doubt and self-pity, resulting in more suffering and so on. In this way, we may fall into chronic anxiety and depression.

The key to happiness is to recognize that engagement in life or a love of life is its own reward. We do not need to search for reasons to love life because engagement with life will bring its own special joy and happiness. In contrast, indulging in fear and withdrawing from life will bring unnecessary pain and suffering.

One of my most problematic core beliefs is that I am in control of my own life. I had a very unstable childhood with divorced and messed-up parents. When I was growing up, I found this belief of control to be extremely empowering and soothing. I told myself that as soon as I am able, I will leave home, make my own decisions, and take control of my own life. This worked for a while.

Unfortunately, this is not how life works. In reality, there are many things in life that I do not control. Most of the time, I am *NOT* in control of my thoughts, emotions, body sensations, external situation, the people around me, and life in general. I will get ill, I will get old, and I will die. This fact of very limited control smacked me in the face when I lost my furry soul-mate Shania.

Life is ever changing and full of dualities. There is love, but from love comes fear of loss. There is happiness and sadness, pleasure and pain, success and failure, fame and disrepute, victory and defeat, gain and loss. In life, we will experience all of these states and often a mix of them. We cannot only choose to experience one side of the duality and not the other. When we face pain, loss, failure, and defeat, our instinct will be to recoil or withdraw from life. It is in these moments of suffering that we must embrace ourselves the most and remind ourselves to stay engaged with life.

With the great power of mindfulness, we can become fully present to the unbearable beauty and the inevitable tragedy that makes up human life. We can honorably and fully experience this one and only life that we have been given, with all its ups and downs. In my own life, I try to remember the words many of us have heard from the Ojibway Indians: “Sometimes I go about pitying myself when all the while I’m being carried by great winds across the sky.”
~~[Jack Kornfield]

Engaging with Life

When going through the dark night of my soul, I established a very simple rule – to always face my fear. I believe that a love of life and therefore engagement in life is a natural state of being, and fear (aversion) is the main emotion that causes me to withdraw from life. Therefore, by facing fear I can overcome most unhealthy tendencies toward withdrawal.

Our worries about wasting time is an excuse that fear uses to get us to avoid our difficult feelings. We avoid burdensome internal growth by focusing on external goals such as money, fame, and power. We try to change the external world rather than trying to change ourselves. By avoiding personal change and growth, we may get some short-term comfort, but we will ultimately endure a lot more unnecessary suffering.

Wanting to reform the world without discovering one’s true self is like trying to cover the world with leather to avoid the pain of walking on stones and thorns. It is much simpler to wear shoes.
~~[Ramana Maharshi]

To face my fear of wasting time, I use mindfulness techniques to calm my mind, feel the emotions, and analyze them. The more I face the unhappy feelings, the more tolerance I build. The more I understand the source of these emotions, the better I can update any incorrect beliefs that lead to them.

Every time fear arises, it is a reminder to embrace her and to continue to stay engaged with life. Every time I face my fear, I am choosing engagement over withdrawal. When I am engaged in life (loving life), I am not wasting time. In this way, fear is a great ally for getting me not to waste time.

He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.
~~[Ralph Waldo Emerson]

There were over 20 couples and all of them was of a taller man with a shorter woman.

This is all fine and good but not very scientific. What does science say about this important issue?

A study by Gillis and Avis in 1980 found that for every 100 couples, only 2 are likely to have a taller woman and shorter man. This suggests that in general, men tend to choose women who are shorter than they are and/or women choose men who are taller than they are.

Tall Women vs. Short Women – Which Do Men Like?
Source: Short Girl Pictures

Do Men Really Like Shorter Women?

Do Men Really Like Shorter Women?

The Gillis and Avis study shows that couples very frequently consist of a taller man together with a shorter woman.

However, this does not necessarily mean that men like shorter girls. In fact, one can argue that the height preference largely comes from the woman’s side. Perhaps the man has no height preference, but simply dates shorter women because shorter women find them more attractive.

To get a more comprehensive view of this tall vs. short women issue, I also examined data from Yahoo Answers!. In particular, I did a search for “tall vs. short women” questions.

In my informal Attractive Women Survey, over 80% of voters expressed a preference for medium height and petite women (out of a total of over 3500 votes).
Source: http://thinkdrawart.com/short-girl-pictures

Of the men, 52% said that they like shorter women.

I collected a total of 54 responses over about 20 related questions. 29 of the responses were from men, and 25 from women. Of the men,

• 52% said that they like shorter women,
• 31% said that height is not an issue, and
• only 17% said that they like tall women.

These figures seem consistent with the results of my Attractive Women Survey which showed that only 19% of voters like tall women.

Of the women,

• 24% said that men like shorter women,
• 36% said that height is not an issue,
• 40% said that men like tall women.

What is especially interesting about the Yahoo! Answers data is that the woman’s view differs so greatly from the man’s view. Upon greater examination though, we found that of the 10 women who claimed that men prefer taller women, 7 were 5’8”-5’9”, and 1 was 5’5”. Therefore, the relatively small data-set and abnormal height distribution of respondents likely skewed the results.

The Yahoo! Answers data showed that only 17% of men like tall women.

Data from more rigorous scientific studies also support the hypothesis that men have a preference for shorter women.

“We found that shorter, slimmer females with long slender legs, a curvy figure and larger breasts are more attractive,” said lead researcher Dr William Brown of Brunel University.

~~[The Telegraph]

Nettle’s study on 10,000 people born in the UK in 1958 also showed that –

Shorter women are more likely to have long-term relationships with men, and more likely to have children …

~~[New Scientist]

Data from more rigorous scientific studies also support the hypothesis that men have a preference for shorter women.

Why Do Men Like Shorter Women?

Taller women are especially suited for the modelling profession.

Most female models are very tall. Based on this female ideal, it seems that all of us have a preference for the tall, thin, and willowy look.

Therefore, why does the survey and scientific results show that men like shorter women? It seems that here, at least, there is an inconsistency between the media feminine ideal and our real-world feminine ideal.

Certainly tall women have the following advantages –

• Clothes fall and drape more naturally on taller women.
• Tall women can handle extra weight much better than shorter women.
• Tall women get noticed more easily because they naturally stand out in a crowd.

All of these attributes make taller women especially suited for the modelling profession. We want models to stand out from the crowd and we want them to look especially good in a wide range of dress styles.

Why Do Men Like Shorter Women?

However, a woman’s greater height becomes more of a liability during mate selection because height is often associated with strength and power. These are traditionally traits that are highly regarded in men but less so in women. A tall woman may therefore have an emasculating effect on a shorter man.

In addition, while women frequently select mates based on strength, success, and power; men are more likely to select mates based on fertility. Nettle further pointed out that –

… girls with late sexual maturity will be taller than those who mature early, because they are growing for longer.

~~[Proceedings of the Royal Society of Biological Sciences]

According to Nettle, taller women become fertile at a later date when compared to their shorter counterparts. This could also be another contributing factor to a man’s preference for shorter women.

However, a woman’s height becomes more of a liability during mate selection because height is often associated with strength and power, which are traditionally less desired in women.

Don’t Men Want Tall Sons?

What’s strange is that I would like to be taller and I would like my future son(s) to be taller. So it would really make more sense to choose a tall mate with genes that will produce a son who is tall. And yet I’m attracted to short women.

~~[Yahoo! Answers]

Another related factor to this tall vs. short women question is the height of our resulting children. If men do indeed select based on fertility, it seems that part of that fertility question would involve the strength and power of the resulting offspring. As was pointed out in the comment above, selection of a taller woman would increase the chances of producing a taller son.

However, based on all the data it seems that the attributes of our offspring are less significant than the social effects of having a taller female spouse, as well as possible maturity issues as related to height.

Are Tall Women Out of Luck?

Are Tall Women Out of Luck?

Finally, it should also be mentioned that height selection and preference is a relative thing.

Most men like women that are shorter than they are and most women like men that are taller than they are. Men who are over 6 feet tall will have less problems dating tall women because they will still be the taller one in the relationship.

However, the distribution of heights for men and women follow the usual bell-curve shape. This suggests that tall women will have a smaller selection of men to choose from.

Most men like women that are shorter than they are and most women like men that are taller than they are.

Would you rather be an assertive woman or an obedient woman?

Would you rather have a relationship with an assertive woman or an obedient woman?

In most cultures, assertiveness is valued a lot more than obedience. This is certainly true with men. Obedient men are usually considered weak or womanly.

When it comes to women, however, things become less clear.

Obedient Women vs. Assertive Women – Which is Better?
Source: Assertive or Submissive

Obedient Women, Culture, and Religion

Many Eastern cultures value obedient women a lot more than assertive women.

However, obedience in this case is more of an expectation or societal norm, rather than a choice. Obedience is not seen as anattractive quality that everyone should aspire to; certainly the men do not aspire to it. Instead, it is something that a good woman should be.

Western cultures have the same bias with regards to assertiveness being better than obedience, but there is less pressure for women to be obedient. Strangely however, Western religions, in particular Christianity and Judaism have similar expectations of obedience from women as do Eastern cultures.

Even more surprising is that Eastern religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism are more in step with Western culture, and do not demand obedience from their women.

Assertive vs. Obedient

Many Eastern cultures value obedient women a lot more than assertive women.

Being assertive is a more valued property than obedience because evolutionary wise, assertive societies are more successful.

Assertive societies with strong leaders tend to gain more territory, capture more resources, and spread more of their culture than obedient or passive societies, which are more likely to become conquered.

As a result, our prevailing culture, is one that values being assertive over being obedient.

Assertive men and women are more likely to acquire and accumulate more resources than obedient men and women. Since evolutionary success is commonly used as a yardstick for measuring our lifetime success, it is the assertive people who win.

Assertive women vs. obedient women.

Is an Assertive Woman Superior to an Obedient Woman?

Are assertive women superior to obedient women?

Because of this evolutionary perspective, many of us see assertive women as being superior to obedient women.

However, human society has progressed beyond this evolutionary directive that is fueled by conflict and survival. Today, we live in relativepeace, and most nations no longer harbor ambitions of land expansion and conquest. Instead, nations try to cooperate and trade for the betterment of all.

Since we are moving away from a model of conflict to a model of cooperation, it makes sense to re-evaluate the roles of assertive women and obedient women in our society.

Advantages of Obedient Women.

Advantages of Obedient Women

1. Obedient women have a larger social circle.

Obedient women tend to have a larger circle of friends. They are less threatening, and much more enjoyable as companions because they are willing to go with the flow. In contrast, an assertive woman will create more strife and dissension.

As a result, obedient women have a larger support system, and are arguably happier because of the friendships that they naturally attract. Whenever there is a crisis, she can easily turn to her friends for comfort and support.

2. Obedient Women are compatible with more men.

Our prevailing culture is such that men are expected to lead and women are expected to follow. This usually gets enforced since childhood from children stories, school dynamics, as well as parental and societal expectations.

As a result, there are probably more assertive men, than there are obedient men.

Obedient women can get along with both types of men. Most obedient women prefer relationships with assertive men because they will complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses. However, because they are more easy going, obedient women can also forge successful relationships with more obedient men.

Assertive women, on the other hand, are likely to clash with assertive men, and as a result, have a smaller number of compatible mates to choose from.

An obedient woman has a natural Zen-like quality which makes her life more worry free and happy.

3. Obedient women live a life with fewer conflicts.

Obedient women have a Zen-like nature. For the most part, they are happy to let others set the agenda, and they are happy to play a role in making that agenda a success.

This does not mean that the obedient woman will just take on a supporting role. In fact, she may assume the bulk of the heavy lifting to ensure that the plan succeeds.

An obedient woman prefers to take things as they come rather than try to bend things to her will. This natural Zen-like quality makes her life more worry free, and frequently leads to greater happiness.

However, as pointed out bycindyvine, this assumes that both people in the relationship care enough for each other that they want to keep mutual hurt to a minimum.

Unfortunately, if an obedient woman enters into a relationship with a self-centered male, who is also abusive, then she may find herself trapped under his barrage of attacks, with little alternative but to accept it.

In contrast a more assertive woman would have ended the bad relationship early on and saved herself a lot of pain.

4. Obedient women are able to live in greater harmony with the world.

Obedient women are usually better at resolving conflicts and living in harmony with the people around them.

In life, there will be many instances where conflict occurs. During times of conflict, somebody has to back down and take a more passive position. If this does not occur, the conflict will escalate and end up hurting everyone involved.

Opting to back away from a possibly explosive situation does not make an obedient woman weak. Rather, it is the most expeditious way to bring the conflict to an end and restore harmony with the least amount of emotional damage.

It is a mistake to assume that obedient women do not have any needs or goals of their own.

They simply value harmony over conflict and are willing to put their own egos on hold to achieve that harmony.

Obedient women are able to live in greater harmony with the world.

Advantages of Assertive Women

1. Assertive women are more successful at accumulating resources.

Advantages of Assertive Women.

Assertive women are better at accumulating resources including money, fame, and material goods. There is a lot of competition for resources, so it takes an assertive personality to not only acquire those resources, but also to hold on to them.

Assertive women tend to hold high-powered jobs, and are comfortable leading large teams of men and women towards their vision of what is right.

2. Assertive women are more likely to bring on change.

Assertive women have their own vision of how things ought to be. They are also willing and able to do whatever it takes to achieve that vision.

When an assertive woman disagrees with current societal norms, she will not back down or be held back by criticism. Instead, she has the confidence and spirit to forge ahead and fight for change.

In the end, assertive women have done much to create a less repressive social environment for women everywhere. It is a good thing that we have women who will speak out for themselves and for all other women.

3. Assertive women are confident and sure of themselves.

Assertive women do not look to others for confirmation and approval. They are less concerned about what others think and want, and more concerned about their own needs and goals.

Confidence begets more confidence.

As a result, assertive women are able to fight through great adversity, and emerge with greater strength than before.

Assertive women are confident and sure of themselves.

Assertive Women vs. Obedient Women

So which is better – assertive women or obedient women? Which should you aspire to be? Or which should you look for in a relationship?

Most women are not one or the other. They usually have elements of both. However, their temperament, upbringing, and experiences may push them towards one end or the other.

As with all things, balance is crucial. We do not want to be too assertiveand not give way when we should. We also do not want to be too obedient so that none of our own needs and goals are met.

Every individual has a different equilibrium assertive/obedient level, and this level may change as we change and the people around us change.

What is most important is to always be open to both of these qualities, and not just accept the flawed belief that being assertive is always superior.

Assertiveness and Obedience – Which role is better for women in today’s society?

On first blush, it is difficult to resist the men who look like Adonis. They are tall, dark, handsome, look great in both Speedos and a tux, and have abs that are to die for.

But ladies, remember this, the looks fade very quickly.

Once Adonis gets a 9-5 job, and settles into middle age, things will quickly begin to change. He will spend all his free time sitting on the couch, watching sports while eating wings and drinking beer. The once six-pack abs will quickly become a single large keg.

His hair will thin, his butt will sag, and soon all you will be left with are your tarnished dreams and faded wedding pictures.

If Adonis is not our Prince Charming, then who is?

The best men to marry are the ones who treat you well, have great financial potential, as well as a fun and compatible personality – in that order.

Best Men to Marry.
Source: My Blog Art

Best Men to Marry 1

Men who treat you well.

You want to find a man who appreciates you, and who will put you above everything else, even himself. You want to find a man who is willing to share the house chores, willing to make home coffee for you in the morning, and willing to be a better man for you, so that you can hang-out online and write silly articles about who are the best men to marry!

Avoid the control freak at all costs.

If a man wants to control little things like which restaurant you go to, what you order for dinner, what music you listen to in the car, then it is time to take that emergency phone call and run like hell.

If you think that you can change a control freak, then you are sadly mistaken. Control freaks will only want to control you – not the other way around. Men with control disorders will often become verbally or physically abusive to get what they want.

Best Men to Marry – Men who treat you well.

Avoid Narcissus.

Narcissistic men focus all their attention on themselves.

Narcissistic men focus all their attention on themselves and have very little left over for anything else. They will constantly expect you to worship them as they worship themselves. If you get busy and miss a day or two of worship, your Narcissus will likely look for worship somewhere else.

Bad boys sound like a lot of fun in the pages of a romance novel and indeed they can be fun to date.

However, marrying one will get old after about 10 minutes. A marriage is about give and take, and bad boys by definition only know how to take.

Bad boys sound like a lot of fun in the pages of a romance novel, however, marrying one will get old after about 10 minutes.
Source: Valentine Cupid Pictures

Best Men to Marry 2

Men who are financially sound.

You may think that this is very mercenary of me and totally unromantic, but there is nothing romantic about not having enough money to buy food, or pay the rent. There is nothing romantic about not having furniture and living out of a box with five kids and another one in the oven.

Call me crazy and unromantic, but I do like having a roof over my head, access to food and water, and yes cable television!

Who are these rich men?

According to CNBC, the richest men of 2009 can be found in the health profession. Didn’t your mother always tell you to marry a doctor? Well, sometimes your mom is right.

And it is not just the doctors and surgeons. Dentists, podiatrists, pediatricians, and psychiatrists all earn well over $100,000 US per year. Here are the top five paying professions –

1. Surgeons,
2. Anesthesiologists,
3. Orthodontists (time to get some braces!),
4. Obstetricians & Gynecologists ,
5. Oral & Maxillofacial Surgeons.

All these professionals earn close to an average of $200,000 US per year.

If doctors are not your thing, then there are several other possible alternatives – men of technology, men of science, men of numbers (actuaries), and men of law are also in the top 25 highest paying professions.

Best Men to Marry – Men who are financially sound.

In summary stick to the science and math nerds and you should do well.

If you are in high school, you might want to start cultivating your contacts right now. There are many advantages to starting early –

1. Science and math nerds are really easy to land. After all, they are probably the least popular kids in high school. However, think in the long-term. When they become doctors and scientists, the cheerleaders will be married to fat jocks who work for your science nerd.
2. It is good to have friends with money. Even if you decide not to marry your high school nerd friends, they will be forever grateful to you for being a pal in those difficult high school years. Later on, they can introduce you to their other rich friends.
3. It is good to have a doctor, lawyer, or scientist friend in your back pocket. You never know when you might need one.

Now some of you modern, assertive women may think to yourself – I don’t need a man with money, I can make my own money. True – but then you will have little time to enjoy it. Also, I am allergic to blood, gore, and guts, so for me, at least, medical school is definitely not an option.

Here are some tips on how to attract men and keep them devoted.

Best Men to Marry – Men with a compatible personality.

Best Men to Marry 3

Men with a compatible personality.

Many women look for men who are witty, humorous, interesting, fun, and extremely clever. All these are good to have, but the most important thing of all is to find a man who is compatible with you.

Compatibility may sound boring and really like what your mom would say but hey, we have already established that your mom is sometimes right – probably more often than you would want to admit.

When you live with someone every day, sleep with him, wake up with him, brush your teeth with him, constant jokes can get annoying, and witty one-liners will quickly begin to grate on your nerves.

Really you want a man who will be there with you to take care of business, and who can complement your weaknesses with his strengths.

You want someone whom you can talk to about anything and everything. You want someone you will have fun with doing things that you both enjoy. You want someone that is compatible.

I suppose I could use the term ‘soul-mate’ to make compatible sound more romantic, but really, storybook romance is highly over-rated.

Who are the best men to marry?

Of those 98%, 95.7% of them have had erotic dreams involving at least one of the Bonds. The lucky ones, have had dream scenarios with several James Bonds; either independently, together, or in-duplicate. Bondage scenarios are more rare, but numbers spiked soon after Casino Royale.

Further analysis shows that the 2% of women who do not love James Bond, are highly correlated with controlling, insecure partners who seem threatened by fictional characters and imaginary friends.

Alright, I admit that I pulled these numbers out of my cute toosh; but I think a large majority of women love James Bond, and a large majority of men want to be like James Bond.

This article is about why women love Bond and how men can acquire Bond-like success with women.

DJ0964 James Bond Skyfall Daniel Craig Movie 32×24 Print POSTER from Amazon.com

1. James Bond is Unattainable

Skyfall (Blu-ray/ DVD + Digital Copy) (2012) from Amazon.com

James Bond is the ultimate unattainable man. He is very successful at acquiring attractive women. However, he is only interested in casual relationships and never truly gives himself to any of his partners. He is charming, he is hot, and he is irresistible, but he always keeps a part of himself, only to himself.

This drives many women crazy because they all want to be the oneto “decode” him and save him from himself.

When we reveal all of ourselves to our partner, there is no longer any mystery left. There is nothing more to strive for, and the excitement and challenge will quickly dissipate. That is why many long-term relationships fall into a rut, and fail.

Relationships that are strong tend to involve partners that are constantly learning and changing. There is always something new, something special, and something mysterious, that is yet to be discovered.

Skyfall (Blu-ray/ DVD + Digital Copy) (2012) from Amazon.com

2. James Bond is Physical

James Bond is a man of action. Once he has a mission or goal in mind, he goes off and gets it done. There are no excuses, fears, or uncertainty.

This type of overwhelming confidence and can-do-ness is extremely attractive in a man. Having a man like that, is like walking around with a nuclear warhead. You feel safer, you feel more confident, and you feel like you can take over the world.

Everyone will notice you. All the women will kill to be you, and all the men will kill to be with you.

This is not about looks, but rather about confidence. Confidence is always important, for both men and women. If you are uncertain about yourself, others will be uncertain of you too.

Confidence, however, does not mean arrogance or violence. Confidence does not mean spending all your time talking about yourself, and how you are God’s gift to women. Confidence does not mean you should try to pick fights with people in order to prove yourself.

There is a peaceful silence in confidence.

Confident people do not say much, but they say what is necessary, when it is necessary. The rest of the time, they are taking care of business.

EH0462 Daniel Craig Actor Agent Casino Royale Movie 36×24 POSTER Print from Amazon.com.

3. James Bond is Sensual

GoldenEye [Blu-ray] (2013) from Amazon.com

James Bond wears animal magnetism like a second skin. The way he walks, the way he moves, and the way he looks, make it impossible for women not to notice him in a provocative way. Someone who moves like a panther, and is licensed to kill, must be something amazing in the bedroom.

Not all of us can be killer secret agents, but we can certainly practice grace in action and movement. Learning how to dance is a good way to achieve some of that grace.

I am a big fan of Latino dances, in particular Salsa dancing. Salsa is powerful because it combines both grace and passion.

Dancing salsa, in many ways, is like making love in public.

There is a lot of passion, there is a lot of touching, there is a lot of gyrating, and it is all legal, as well as safe.

Most men are not very interested in dancing. In Salsa clubs, there are few men who truly know how to dance and how to lead. If you are a guy, looking for love, consider taking up Salsa. Not only will it train you to move more gracefully; but it will also give you a valuable skill that differentiates you from the guys and project hotness for the gals.

4. James Bond is a Snappy Dresser

Daniel Craig 007 Collection [Blu-ray] (2013) from Amazon.com.

Not everyone can look like James Bond, but everyone can certainly try to dress like him.

Part of James Bond’s appeal stems from his well-groomed, debonair look. He wears clothes that complement his physique, has nice hair in all the right places, and does not wear any excess jewelry.

I am not suggesting that you run out there, get a tuxedo, and be a slightly pudgy James Bond look-alike. Instead, you should wear clothes that complement your own personality, style, and physique.

Personal hygiene and grooming are also of utmost importance. Comb-overs do not, has not, and will never appeal to women. Protruding nose hairs are also a big no-no.

Always try to look your best. Looking good will make you feel better about yourself, and more confident about the world. Also, you never know when opportunity is going to knock.

(24×36) Casino Royale Movie (Daniel Craig as James Bond Walking) Poster Print from Amazon.com.

5. James Bond is Smarter Than the Average Bear

When people think of James Bond, brainy is not necessarily the first thing that pops to mind. But James Bond does have the brains to go with everything else, and this is what makes him the best of the best.

Not only can James Bond curse in any foreign language, but he can also converse in them, albeit, with a strong English accent. James Bond is witty, quick, and well versed in, pretty much, anything. James Bond is adept at playing chess, poker, and whatever mind-games evil villains throw his way.

In reality, it is simply not possible for anyone to be that brainy; not evenYogi. However, a little bit of homework can go a long way towards simulating brilliance. Women like men who can listen and talk intelligently about their topics of interest.

Whenever you are out with a woman that you like, make sure to listen to her. Remember her likes and dislikes. Google her or subtly inquire friends about her favorite activities; then, do some research on them. Be prepared with interesting questions and clever viewpoints, but do not just blurt them all out at the start of the date. Timing is crucial; so be patient, and slowly introduce your prepared brilliance in an off-hand and natural manner.

With Google, and a bit of forethought, you too can achieve Bond-like brilliance.

This got me thinking; what is the fair-value of a lunch? Most of us would be happy to get a free lunch, so our fair-value is about $15.

But what about a famous and attractive woman like Angelina Jolie.

Would that same fund manager pay 2.1 million to have lunch with Angelina Jolie? And if not, how much would someone else pay?

To answer this question we turn to the economic laws of demand and supply.

Demand for Angelina Jolie

The greater the demand (a shift of the red demand curve to the right), the higher the price (the point of intersection between the demand and supply curves).

From a demand or popularity standpoint, Angelina Jolie is more widely known.

Demand and Supply Chart. Greater popularity, causes the demand curve to shift to the right and results in a higher price.

• Warren Buffett has an average search volume of 74,000 searches per month on Google,
• Angelina Jolie has an amazing 1.5 million,
• Britney Spears comes in at a whooping 6.1 million searches per month, and
• Tom Cruise only gets 450,000.

It is interesting to note that Barack Obama gets an average of 1.8 million searches; higher than Angelina Jolie.

** All popularity numbers were taken from Google AdWords, as of July 2008.

Supply of Angelina Jolie

The lower the supply (a shift of the supply curve to the left), the higher the price.

Normal mortals do not have good access to Warren Buffett, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, or Barack Obama. So supply is limited in all those cases.

Angelina Jolie 8×10 Photo / Poster – Glossy High Quality Real Photograph #11 from Amazon.com

Elasticity of Demand

Simply put, the elasticity of demand determines how much we can raise the lunch price for Angelina Jolie before you decide to drop out and lunch with someone else, or just lunch alone. Demand elasticity is dependent upon four factors:

1. Number of substitutes: The more substitutes there are, the more elastic demand is. Because there are many celebrities, I am more willing to forgo lunch with Jolie, and instead go out for lunch with Eric Estrada, at a lower price.

In contrast, there are no other fund managers with the same business savvy and magic touch as Buffett; so there are few, if any substitutes. This makes demand more inelastic and leads to a higher price.

2. % of purchaser’s budget: 2.1 million may seem like a large sum to us because our total assets may not even add up to 10% of that figure. On the other hand, 2.1 million is small change to Zhao Danyang’s net worth.

Because Warren Buffett’s purchasers tend to be rich, they are willing to pay more for the privilege of having lunch with him. In contrast, Angelina Jolie fans, like you and me, have a lot less money, so our demand is more elastic. I.e. we are more willing to forgo lunch with Jolie.

Angelina Jolie 8×10 Photo / Poster – Glossy High Quality Real Photograph #7 from Amazon.com

3. Type of good: Necessities and emergency goods have more inelastic demand than luxury goods. Having lunch with a celebrity, whether it be Angelina Jolie or Warren Buffett, I think, qualifies as a luxury good. Demand therefore is more elastic.

4. Time until purchase: Does the buyer need to have lunch as soon as possible, or is there no hurry.

Zhao Danyang probably wants investment advice from Buffett as soon as possible. In this way, he stands to make more money sooner, while making fewer bad investments. Having lunch with Angelina Jolie is probably less time critical.

All this shows that demand for Angelina Jolie is a lot more elastic (flexible) than demand for Warren Buffett. Elastic demand results in a flatter demand curve (see chart), which means that price will not change much even to significant changes in demand and/or supply.

Perfectly Elastic Demand Curve. Elastic demand (flexible demand) results in a flatter demand curve, which means that price will not change much even to significant changes in demand and supply.

What would you pay for Angelina Jolie?

What would one pay to have lunch with Angelina Jolie?

Probably a lot less then 2.1 million. Even though there is greater demand (popularity) for Angelina Jolie, her demand is a lot more elastic.

I want to end by considering how much we would pay to have lunch with a loved-one.

In this case, demand is high, and inelastic, however, supply is also high (you generally have good access to your loved one). However, if you were to suddenly lose access, price would go up significantly.

When you go home tonight, take some time and show your loved ones how much you appreciate them. Just because you have access, does not mean you should take them for granted.

SH0504 American Famous Hollywood Actor Angelina Jolie 24×18 POSTER Print from Amazon.com

Seems easy enough to understand and follow. Yet most of us are unable to keep this simple rule straight in our heads when it comes to the stock market.

Why is that? Why does our instinct tell us to buy stocks when prices are high and to sell stocks when prices are low.

There are two key reasons for this –social proof and scarcity.

1. Stock Market Psychology – Social Proof

It is human nature to look to others to determine the best course of action for ourselves. If we look outside and see people wearing shorts, we assume that the weather is warm and will switch to wearing shorts. If we see cars ahead start to change lanes, we will try to change lanes as well, in anticipation of an upcoming road block or accident.

If we see others getting rich by buying stocks, then it must be a good time to buy. The same goes for when everyone else is selling.

Social proof alone however, does not create such a strong effect that we will act so contrary to our own interests. The other key force at play is scarcity.

Stock Market Psychology – Why We Buy High and Sell Low

2. Stock Market Psychology – Scarcity

Stock Market Psychology – Scarcity

In his book Influence, scarcity is the last of six weapons of influence described by Robert Cialdini. It was probably saved for last because of the strength of its effects.

We all have a natural tendency to want things that are in short supply. The more rare an item, the greater its value because few will be able to possess it. Not only do we want a scarce item more, but we will make up reasons for why we want it so. Studies show that scarce items are consistently rated more highly or more favorably than their more abundant counterparts.

We think that cookies taste better when we are only given two, compared to ten.

Similarly, we will rush in and buy stocks at $10 because we are afraid that in a short time they will only be available for $12, $15, or much more. We must buy it now, because this price may not be available for much longer. That is why when the stock market is rising, we feel a great need to jump in and buy, buy, buy.

As the market rises, stocks at lower prices become more and more scarce, which creates more buying, which makes them more scarce, and on and on it goes until the music stops.

“Irrational exuberance.” ~~[Alan Greenspan]

And we have not even explored the full power of scarcity yet. According to Cialdini, there are two other effects that make the scarcity rule even stronger – 1) Loss, and 2) Competition.

As the market rises, stocks at lower prices become more and more scarce, which creates more buying, which makes them more scarce, and on and on it goes until the music stops.

Scarcity and Loss

I think we have all experienced this, many times; in all areas of our life. We appreciate something most after losing it. Girlfriends, lovers, our freedoms, a chocolate chip cookie, and yes, definitely also money.

We like making money, but we hate losing money a lot more.

That is why when there is a large drop in the stock market and we have lost a lot of money, we are shy about buying more. Once we have lost, we want to hold on to what we have for fear of losing more.

This makes us most likely to buy when prices are high, because we have lost nothing and have gained much (at least on paper). Similarly we are likely to sell or at the very least, not buy, when prices are low.

Scarcity and Loss

Scarcity and Competition

The other aspect of scarcity has to do with competition. When we are in direct competition with others for a limited item, the power of scarcity kicks into really high gear.

This is when we must absolutely have it, whatever it is; not because we need it, but because we must not lose it to others. Not to that staring lady by the corner, or to that arrogant looking, business-suited wannabe.

And as we all know, competition is the cornerstone of the stock market.

When prices are high, we are most compelled to buy because that is the time when there is most competition for a stock. We must get it now before someone else gets it and makes money that should be ours.

When prices are low, we are compelled to sell because we do not want to lose the opportunity of getting rid of our crap to someone else.

Scarcity and Competition

Buy High and Sell Low

Buy High and Sell Low

Why do so many people lose money on the stock market?

Because the rules of scarcity and social proof are steering us to buy high, and sell low. In this case, we are our own worst enemies.

Now that we understand the psychological forces arrayed against us, is it possible to counter those forces?

Cialdini suggests two ways to counter scarcity –

1. Think before you act, and
2. Remind yourself that the utility of the item remains the same, no matter the scarcity, loss, or competition.

How to Even the Odds

Think before you act.

When we feel ourselves getting caught up in the emotion of the stock market, we must stop ourselves from buying or selling anything. Decisions that are made in haste, are usually decisions that we will regret later on.

I have made many stock trades in haste, and now, I will only buy or sell after I have carefully thought through it.

This is why many experts encourage investors to have a strategy. When you are swept up by the powerful forces of scarcity, you can fall back on your strategy. Before making a stock trade, simply ask yourself this – Does this trade fit into my long-term stock trading strategy? If not, then you must walk away.

How to Even the Odds

Item utility remains unchanged.

When we are swept up by the power of scarcity, Cialdini suggests that we remember this –

The item we now want more than ever, has not fundamentally changed. The utility we derive from it also has not changed, just our need to possess it.

Stocks however, are not like regular items, in that their utility actually does change. We cannot eat stocks, or use them in any tangible way. We either buy them as a long-term investment, or hope to make some short term money through a quick trade. For short term trades, the utility of the item, i.e., the amount of money that can be made is actually dependent on the short term demand surrounding it.

The more competition there is, the higher price you can sell at in the short-term.

This short term demand, as we have laid out, is based on social proof and scarcity. In this case we want to encourage greater scarcity, social proof, and whatever else we can throw at it to drive prices further up, so that we can make some short term profits. There are also many so-called experts who will appear on television and tout particular stocks in order to artificially inflate their values so that they themselves can make a quick sale.

In this way, the more competition there is, the higher price you can sell at in the short-term, and the more money you will make.

And that is why trading is very much different from investing. When you make short-term trades, it is important to understand the psychology behind the stock market, and to use that psychology to your short-term advantage.

If you are a long-term investor, you want to be aware of these short-term tricks that people may pull on you, in order to psychologically manipulate you to buy at too high a price, or sell at too low a price.

Whether you are a stock investor, stock trader, or just a side heckler, I highly recommend the book Influence by Robert Cialdini. It reveals to us much about ourselves, and shows us where we are most vulnerable to external manipulation.

What do you think of playing the stock market?

• Chinese mothers stress academic achievement and “spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children”.
• Some coercion is needed initially to get a child to practice, practice, practice. Through rote repetition a Chinese mother can get her child to excel in any activity and once that happens, the praise of others will build confidence and make said activity into something fun.
• A Chinese mother may often call her children names such as “garbage” to shame them into doing the right thing. According to Chua, this did not damage her self-esteem.
• A Chinese mother demands perfect grades from her child because she believes that her child is capable and “strong enough to take the shaming”.
• Harsh coercion in the beginning will ultimately result in a stronger, more successful child as well as a strong mother-child bond.
• A Chinese mother better prepares her children for the future by “letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.”

The Chinese Mother Style of Parenting – Good or Bad?
Source: The Chinese Mother

The Chinese Mother and Academic Achievement

The Chinese Mother and Academic Achievement

For a Chinese mother, their daughter must be great at these two things –

• Academic achievement.
• Playing the piano.

I was a pretty good student in elementary school and high school. I would get a fair number of academic prizes and usually ranked in the top 3 of my class. However, there were always one or two subjects that I totally sucked at. In particular, I was really bad at languages.

As a result, my report card would always have a flaw. I would only get 7-As out of 8 subjects. This means it was pretty much a crappy report card. When I got home with this, my Chinese mother would regale me with stories of how so-and-so’s daughter got 8As and so-and-so’s son got 9As!

I just didn’t measure up – it sucked!

To get the approval or even love of my Chinese mother, I had to achieveperfection. Sadly, that never happened until I was in college, and far away from home. Still, my Chinese mother had taught me that nothing short of perfection is enough … and even then, it is still not enough because what about the next exam?

I spent many years chasing perfection and I was utterly miserable.

To get the approval or even love of my Chinese mother, I had to achieve perfection.

The Chinese Mother and Playing the Piano

For some weird cosmic reason that eludes me, Chinese mothers place great importance on playing the piano – but just for their daughters. The piano is somewhat of a girlie pursuit, so sons need not do it.

I have no idea why the piano is considered better than any other instrument, or why music is considered more important than art, sports, or anything else. But then, the role of the daughter is not to question, only to obey.

When I started playing the piano, I enjoyed it quite a lot. It was fun, creative, and a nice change from the academic achievement part of the program. I wanted to play popular tunes, make my own songs, and write silly lyrics.

But that was not to be.

The Chinese mother piano program consists of taking piano exams. I had to take one every year, so piano practice sessions include playing 3 exam pieces, scales, and arpeggios – over, and over, and over again.

Needless to say, piano playing quickly became almost as fun as going to the dentist. If you want to teach your child to hate something with a passion, then try this method of parenting.

I wanted to quit, but that is a forbidden word to a Chinese mother. Quitting would reflect really badly on Her. So for 8 years I had to do something that I totally hated. Even if I had loved it, and was extremely talented, piano playing is only a sanctioned hobby. Woe be to you if you try to make music into a career. There would be hell to pay and then some. The sanctioned careers include being a doctor, engineer, or a lawyer.

The Chinese Mother and Playing the Piano.
Source: http://shibashake.com/blog-art/images/the-chinese-mother

The Chinese Mother, Guilt, and Shame

In her article, Amy Chua talks about another gem of Chinese mother parenting –how to shame and guilt a child into submission.

Chua claims that this does not damage the self-esteem of the child, instead it makes the child stronger. In fact, according to Chua, the Chinese mother has more faith in her child because she believes that the child is strong enough to take the shaming.

Is this true? Does shaming and harsh coercion lead to a stronger child? I suppose in some ways, it does … if the child survives. Otherwise, the child will probably have a nervous breakdown, which everybody else will pretend did not happen.

And even the children that survive are often plagued by a whole host of mental and emotional issues. Contrary to what Amy Chua may say, the constant guilt and shame attacks did undermine my self-esteem.

How can it not?

Every day, I am told that I am not good enough. True, it did spur me on to try to meet my mother’s expectations, and be worthy of her love. However, it also made me doubt myself and question my own self-worth. I could not confide in anyone, lest they think I was weak and unworthy. It is a lonely place for a child.

The Chinese mother parenting technique teaches a child to live in her mother’s shadow, to submit to authority, and to follow her commands no matter how inane they may be. After all, the Chinese mother suffered untold misery to bring the child into this world; the least the child can do is to obey without question.

Guilt and shame are poor building blocks from which to create a relationship with a child. Children should not have to face such attacks; not from anyone, much less their own mothers.

The Chinese Mother, Guilt, and Shame.
Source: http://shibashake.com/blog-art/

The Chinese Mother and Her Children

In her article, Amy Chua also argues that the harsher Chinese mother style of parenting leads to a strong mother and child bond.

This was certainly not true for me and my mother.

I had a very close relationship with my mother when I was very young; before all the Chinese parenting kung-fu came into play.

One of the fondest memories I have of my mother is her folding my handkerchief into various animal shapes so that I would have a part of her with me in school. During that time, my mother was safety, a calm harbor from the storm, a place I could go to unload my fears, and be healed.

Now, we don’t have all that much to talk about.

The Chinese Mother and Her Daughter.

The Chinese Mother and the Future

Does a Chinese mother better prepare her children for the future?

If the future were some kind of post-apocalyptic nightmare from one of the Mad-Max movies, then maybe.

Seriously though, the Chinese mother style of parenting may produce children that have better test scores, and that choose more socially acceptable career paths. Indeed, beating a child into submission through harsh mental techniques, creates a child who conforms.

If you measure success by how well a person conforms to society, then I suppose the Chinese mother is a great success.

Personally, I think that life is about thinking for ourselves, finding our own path, and searching for those things that give us the most joy and peace.

“Embrace nothing:
If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha.
If you meet your father, kill your father.
Only live your life as it is,
Not bound to anything.”

~~[Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.]

When I was in college, I had a really fun advisor who also believed in learning through adversity. The truth is, whatever he was able to dish out did not even come close to the kung-fu skills of a Chinese mother, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I never told him so. 🙂

One of his favorite sayings is – “At least it is not as bad as shoving bamboo shoots under your fingernails.”

I absolutely love that. I think this line sums up the Chinese mother parenting style very well!

What do you think of the Chinese mother style of parenting?

Is Facebook the Devil in disguise? Why?

Is Facebook the Devil?
Source: Masquerade Pictures. Art by ShibaShake.

1. Facebook lowers the productivity of our nation or even that of the world

Facebook lowers the productivity of our nation.

The hard-working American worker is under siege. The perpetrator? Facebook. Workers pulling all-nighters hunched over their computer screens may just be social networking on Facebook. The problem, in fact, is worse than it first appears. The Sydney Morning Herald reports that Facebook may be costing Australian businesses $5 billion per year.

Could Facebook also be the reason for our current economic crisis, massive national debt, and falling GDP? The verdict is still out.

Some may remember that the same arguments were used against electronic mail and instant messaging. Now, they are touted as tools for increasing productivity. I suppose the verdict will be out until the next innovative idea/scapegoat comes along.

2. Facebook exposes our children to smut

Who will protect our children from evil-doers like Facebook, who is constantly shoving smut and inappropriate content into their young, and innocent faces. We are beginning to see a collapse in our society’s moral values as evidenced by the increase in crimes committed by minors. We are indeed at the beginning of the end.

The price of freedom of speech and information is having to deal with things that we may not agree with, may not like, and may not deem appropriate. Smut has been around since time immemorial – before Facebook, before HubPages, before the internet, and before television.

Who will protect the children? Parents, teachers, and other responsible adults in the child’s life. Spend quality time with your child on the internet and direct them towards constructive pursuits; there are many.

Facebook exposes our children to smut.
Source: Red Devil Pictures

3. Facebook disconnects us from the real-world

And does Facebook really connect people? Doesn’t it rather disconnect us, since instead of doing something enjoyable such as talking and eating and dancing and drinking with my friends, I am merely sending them little ungrammatical notes and amusing photos in cyberspace, while chained to my desk? A friend of mine recently told me that he had spent a Saturday night at home alone on Facebook, drinking at his desk. What a gloomy image. Far from connecting us, Facebook actually isolates us at our workstations.

~~ Excerpt from “With Friends Like These …” by Tom Hodgkinson, The Guardian, Monday January 14 2008.

If you go to Tom’s page, he announces in his Web Feed that he has given up electronic mail as of March 7th, 2007. There will always be people like this who have never used Facebook, and are probably uncomfortable with the notion of the internet.

From my own experiences with Facebook, Hubpages, and others, participating in these online communities actually help with social disconnect issues. For example on Hubpages, many users talk about facing alienation in real life. Sharing their stories, and getting support from an online community, helps with that alienation.

Any technology can be misused. A bad addiction to online communities may alienate a person from the “real-world” and in the worst case, bring about grave, real-world, consequences. Such cases, however, are extremely rare, which is perhaps why they are so news-worthy; like human deaths resulting from dog attacks.

Just because some bad can happen, does not mean we should stop using it. Car accidents happen a lot more frequently, but last time I checked, cars are still in use.

Facebook disconnects us from the real-world.

4. Facebook exposes us to stalkers

Facebook is stalker heaven. Remember the ex-boyfriend that never really got over you?; well your every move is now open to him with just a few clicks and a Facebook account.

To share in the benefits of a community, we must share a part of ourselves. If we use sound judgement on what information we publicize, the danger of an online stalking, which is already small to begin with, becomes negligible.

Are we fully protected? No.

Just as we are never fully protected in real life. But that does not mean we should become social hermits. The benefits of belonging to an online community, such as Facebook, often outweigh the dangers.

If you do not feel that is the case, you are free to not participate in Facebook, electronic mail, and the internet in general.

Facebook exposes us to stalkers.

5. Facebook causes us social stress and emotional pain

This New York Times article describes how people endure greater social stress and emotional pain as a result of Facebook.

Many users may feel pressured into accepting “friend invites” from people whom they may not regard as friends. Others are pressured into a popularity contest where they must madly gather as many friends as possible so as not to lose to their peers. And finally, Facebook makes breaking up extremely hard to do.

Facebook users describe in gory detail how losing an ex becomes a public embarrassment because now, it is plastered all over Facebook. To add insult to injury, the victim is tortured with minute-to-minute updates of their ex’s successful social calendar.

I do not know about you, but this really sounds like high school all over again.

Socially awkward situations occur in real life, and so do popularity contests. Facebook is a social tool that may be used in a variety of ways, including those listed above. It is true, that a large social network, like Facebook, may exacerbate some of these awkward and sometimes painful social situations, but it really comes down to how you choose to use it.

For example, users may choose not to publish their “relationship status”. Removing ex’s from your friends list is only a click away and you can always take a vacation from Facebook and join Hubpages.

Facebook causes us social stress and emotional pain.

6. Facebook tracks our personal information and uses it for nefarious purposes

All the information you enter into Facebook, including your name, address, e-mail address, interests, job history, education history, relationship status, and much more may be turned against you and used to profit multi-national conglomerates. You may not realize this but by using Facebook and agreeing to their Terms of Service, you are signing away your identity.

The multi-nationals will monetize your friendships, wreak your life, and who knows what else.

This is an old argument. Information is collected about us whenever we use any online service including search engines such as Google and Yahoo!. In fact, even if we were internet virgins, we would still be tracked.

We may not think about this, but a lot of our personal information is already a matter of public record; including our name, social security number, date of birth, housing history, marriage history, etc. The information may be kept in different government agencies, but companies have developed technology to integrate all this information together and are selling it to those multi-national conglomerates.

With, or without Facebook, “real privacy” is a thing of the past.

With, or without Facebook, “real privacy” is a thing of the past.

Is FaceBook the Devil?

MizB sums it up very well –

“In a few months, we will be commenting on the next “Devil”…but really, lets be honest with ourselves. That “devil” resides in our self indulgence, and not on our computer screens.“

~~[MizB]

While some of the extreme arguments against Facebook may sometimes seem silly, there is an important underlying issue that we should keep bringing up and keep discussing.

David Brin captures this well in his book, The Transparent Society.

In the Information Age to come, cameras and databases will sprout like crocuses — or weeds — whether we like it or not. Over the long run, we as a people must decide.

Can we stand living exposed to scrutiny… our secrets laid open… if in return we get flashlights of our own, that we can shine on anyone who might do us harm? Even the arrogant and strong?

Or is an illusion of privacy worth any price, even surrendering our own right to pierce the schemes of the powerful?

There are no easy answers, but asking questions can be a good first step.

.~~ [Excerpt from The Transparent Society by David Brin]

Is FaceBook the Devil?
Source: http://shibashake.com/blog-art