People think that we are unhappiest when we fail, but sometimes, we are unhappiest when we get all the things that we want.

I just had an article featuring my work at Forbes, I was being invited everywhere to give talks, I had glowing reviews at work including from the CEO, I have a wonderful spouse, so everything was looking awesome pawsome. Yet, I was deeply unhappy. It turned out that many of the things that I was striving for most of my life were not what I wanted after all. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that they were no longer what I wanted.

When this happened, my brain started to freak-out. I quit my job and escaped into various online virtual worlds. This got old after a while, so I considered going back to work, I moved, got a dog, and various other activities. I did not know it at the time, but I was going through an existential crisis, a crisis of meaning. According to the experts, many of us go through this in our late twenties and thirties.

Then I met Shania. Shania was born with a crooked leg, but she was absolutely perfect. She had this deep joy within her, that made everyone around her happy. With Shania, everything else fell away. Life was bright, meaningful, and I was in-love for almost 10 years.

When I lost Shania and later JJ, everything resurfaced, my anxiety, depression, and existential dread. Now however, I also had to face death and loss. My anxiety ballooned into chronic proportions, I developed a variety of physical ailments, and my depression deepened until I was too tired to even get out of bed.

My Journey

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.
~~[Henry David Thoreau]

How do we escape from this life of quiet desperation? How do we recover from despair? So began my journey for self-discovery.

The first thing I realized was that I was woefully ill-equipped to handle my emotions. Any bad feeling was suppressed and rejected. As a result, my life became controlled by fears. In the short-term I was totally consumed by my illness and these two fears reigned supreme –

• Fear that I will never get better.
• Fear of relapse.

Both these fears are especially insidious because they form anxiety-loops that keep feeding on my energy and keep growing my fears. “Fear that I will never get better” forms a “bad-emotion” loop.

1. Some activity, thought, or memory triggers a “bad-emotion”.
2. I start to fear that I will never get better.
3. I feel (more) physical symptoms from the fear.
4. Loop to 2 and repeat.

“Fear of relapse” forms a “good-emotion” loop.

1. Some activity, thought, or memory triggers a “good-emotion”.
2. I start to fear that this good feeling will not last. i.e. I start to fear a relapse.
3. I feel physical symptoms from the fear.
4. I start to fear that I will never get better.
5. I feel more physical symptoms from the fear.
6. Loop to 4 and repeat.

Now, any emotion causes an anxiety-loop and suffering stretches out through the limitlessness of time. All I can think of is escape – escape from thoughts, escape from emotions, escape from physical distress, escape from self. All I want is NOT to be this version of myself.

Anxiety-loops cause chronic symptoms such as insomnia, nausea, inflammation, pain, food sensitivities, environmental sensitivities, and more. Many so-called chronic diseases have been developed to label these symptoms, combined with a variety of medications to treat them. Anti-depressants is a common treatment option and was suggested by several of the doctors and specialists I visited with.

Facing My Fears, Facing My Pain

There are many strategies and complex methods suggested for recovering from this condition. Unfortunately, visiting doctors and doing online research on my symptoms made my condition a lot worse. I found out that there were lots of things that could be wrong with me. I could have SIBO, histamine intolerance, MCAS, fibromyalgia, GAD, insomnia, panic disorder, and more. This deepened my anxiety and depression.

After much struggle, I finally found an open-minded MD who pointed me in the right direction. Now better oriented, I did a lot of reading and soul searching, and finally realized that my condition had its roots in a single emotion – fear. In particular, there were two core fears powering my chronic illness, fear of fear (i.e. fear of the physical symptoms of fear) and fear of pain. The solution that finally worked for me is a fairly simple rule.

I will always try to face my fears and face my pain. In other words, I will always try to be present for my suffering.

For this to work, I first need to be aware of my emotions and fears. Mindfulness exercises are crucial for practicing how to shift my awareness so that I can focus on the most salient emotions, identify them, as well as follow them as they change.

Once I can catch my emotions, I can regulate them or calm myself using various self-soothing techniques including emotion labelling, taking the Observer position, using humor, tapping, stroking, and more.

After my mind is calm, I can start to analyze my emotions and identify what specific fear they originate from. Fear may combine with tiredness to create helplessness, which may further develop into hopelessness. Fear may combine with time to create impatience, which then develops into irritation, frustration, anger, and ultimately rage. In the analysis step I keep pushing on an emotion to find the root of the issue.

This can be very challenging because I need to keep returning my consciousness (awareness) to the fear and pain so that I may deepen my understanding of them. I believe that this is what people mean when they talk about going through the fear. Pushing through the fear until we get to the core of understanding. I try to get to the beliefs/thoughts, memories, and desires associated with each fear. For example the “fear that I will never get better” and “fear of relapse” both come from the fear of emotions, or the fear of painful physical symptoms caused by emotions.

Once I get a clearer picture of fear, I can decide whether to follow fear’s advice or to do the opposite (paradoxical-intention). Since most of my fears are not threatening or risky, I keep doing what fear tells me not to do. I deliberately bring up the fear pattern over and over again, and through this process of exposure, I am able to weaken its grip. I also readjust core beliefs that are inaccurate or discard beliefs that no longer serve me. Cognitive behavioral therapy can be useful here.

Being Present for My Suffering

There are two kinds of suffering. There is the suffering you run away from, which follows you everywhere. And there is the suffering you face directly, and so become free.
~~[Ajahn Chah]

This goal is easy to state but difficult to actualize. Facing suffering is a challenging task which is why I have spent my life trying to escape from it. However, sometimes suffering cannot be avoided and must be borne.

In such moments, we will need something to motivate us. This is what Viktor Frankl calls the meaning of suffering. In the past my love for Shania caused the fear and pain to fall away. Now, I use it as my motivation to face suffering. I want to have continued emotional and consciousness access to Shania in the form of memories, visualizations, and dreams. To do that I need to go through the fear and pain.

1. I create a desire to “build tolerance for suffering”.
2. Every time I feel fear, I face it and analyze it using the procedure above.
3. The process of facing it naturally builds tolerance, enhances my emotion regulation skills, and gives me access to my full mental landscape. As I face more fears, the thoughts, patterns, desires, and external stimuli associated with them will weaken, giving me more physical freedom in life as well. As the power of fear-based desires lessen, I have more energy for love-based desires.
4. I try to face the fear pattern for as long as possible or until the fear dissipates. Failure just means that I learn and try again. Every time I try, I build a bit more tolerance and fear weakens.

In this way, the loop that forms is now a positive one that helps to weaken fears. When we face our suffering, we will find love, happiness, limitless inner freedom, and peace on the other side.

Road to Recovery

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
~~[Friedrich Nietzsche]

Many years ago, I met a group of Jehovah’s Witnesses who tried to recruit me. They told me about Armageddon and asked me what I wanted after the death of all. I remember proudly and happily telling them that all I wanted was Shania, in this life and after death. Shania was my Heaven and my Earth and there was nothing more I needed or wanted.

Recovering from the loss of Shania is the biggest challenge of my life. Here are some of the key lessons that helped me –

1. I try to use mindfulness as much as possible to be aware of my emotions. Awareness is key so that I can catch fear before I spiral down the anxiety-loop.
2. Developing emotion regulation or self-soothing techniques is a must. Some self-soothing techniques include shifting awareness, taking the Observer position, humor, tapping, and stroking.
3. Facing fear and facing pain is difficult but necessary. Doing so weakens fear patterns as well as the unhealthy hyper-desires and downstream negative emotions associated with them.
4. Suffering is an intrinsic part of life. When suffering is out of our control, a quick acceptance is the surest way to a quick recovery. Acceptance allows us to focus our energy on what we can realistically do next rather than on wishing for impossible outcomes.
5. Once we accept our new normal, we can start to consider how best to adapt – what beliefs, behaviors, and desires need updating. Adapting means challenging ourselves to change so that we may transform pain into growth, a tragedy into a triumph.
6. The most important lesson of all is to try and to continue learning. If we try, we would have learned something today that we didn’t know yesterday. Trying and learning brings wisdom. When we stop trying is when we give in to despair and prolong our suffering. Remember that it is never too late to start trying.

Recovery need not be complicated or expensive. There is only one important step – facing my suffering. To be sure, this is a very difficult step to take but I have finally found a love that is strong enough to make me want to take that step, Shania.

Facing my suffering has opened me up to a greater authenticity and a greater love of self, spouse, and even of my dysfunctional parents. For the first time in my life I feel close to a true forgiveness of my mother and narcissistic father. My life is expanded and best of all, I have found Shania again.

Now, I see Shania in the many places we used to visit together, I see her in all the dogs that I meet, I see her when I play music or watch a movie, I see her in the trees and the wind. She is my guide and when I face fear to follow her into the darkness, I am exactly where I need to be. She is within me, beside me, everywhere around me, and I am less afraid. She is my inspiration to live a full life, in darkness and in light.

It is the greatest blessing to find a love that is so strong that inspires us to be engaged in life, even in the midst of suffering.

However, if we love life, then we naturally fear death. But if we fear death, then we will be filled with worries of illness and aging, making it difficult to love life.

There are many such conflicts that arise in life, in which love and fear create opposing desires (dualities), between which we must navigate and make judgements. When these conflicts start to dominate our lives, we develop anxiety and depression. When we are unable to adequately resolve these conflicts, our brains may get stuck, which can result in emotion loops where our anxiety and depression become chronic. Sometimes, this condition can turn into an existential crisis.

This was what happened to me after facing the death of a loved one.

Love and Fear – Overcoming Our Wiring for Suffering

Love and Fear

Love and fear are two of the strongest human emotions and they seem to work in opposition. Fear motivates us to run away while love motivates us to stay and embrace. It is difficult to love what we fear, and yet fear arises out of love.

From love comes attachment or desire. Attachment is “a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like (Dictionary.com).” If we already have the object of our attachment, then we will strive to grow or keep it. If we do not, we strive to acquire it. Whenever an attachment is formed, fear arises (i.e. we fear losing the object of our love).

From fear comes aversion or rejection. Fear tells us we can’t or shouldn’t do, are not strong enough to feel, or not calm enough to think. Fear tries to protect us by reminding us of our limits, real or imagined.

We are wired to see fear as something bad, unpleasant, uncomfortable, literally scary. Fear can cause us to go into a “fight-or-flight” response, which causes physiological changes that place stress on our bodies. Continued activation of our fight/flight response can result in inflammation, muscle tension and pain, insomnia, as well as various chronic physiological conditions. Fear is our enemy, the monster in the dark. Fear increases our suffering. As a result, many of us develop a strong attachment to eradicate or remove fear from our lives.

The only thing we have to fear … is fear itself.
~~[Franklin D. Roosevelt]

However, like love, fear is part of being human. We are born to fear pain, both physical and emotional. Fear and pain are an integral part of our survival system, thus they are an integral part of life. Suffering is therefore also part of life and part of being human. When we try to eradicate fear and suffering, we will inevitably fail, and create even more fear and suffering for ourselves. The best way to lessen our suffering is to embrace both love and fear.

The best way to lessen our suffering is to embrace fear and suffering.

Attachment and Aversion

Attachments are a necessary part of life. We form attachments to people, things, places, activities, beliefs, causes, and more. If we had no attachments, why would life be worth living? If nothing matters, why try to live at all?

However, even though life demands attachments, the nature of life is also one of change and impermanence. The things and people we cling or attach to today may be gone tomorrow. This creates great pain and suffering. To protect us from this pain, we develop fear and fear causes aversion.

For example, I was very attached to success in school and at work because it was my ticket to physical and financial freedom. This attachment caused me to develop a fear of failure. Unfortunately, I did not know how to tend to my fear so I just suppressed or ignored it. As time went on, my fear of failure grew until I developed a strong attachment to never failing (i.e. a strong attachment to perfect success).

This is an unhealthy attachment because unlike my original desire (freedom), it is motivated by fear. It also subsumed my original desire so now when I strived for success, I was feeding this need for perfection, which in turn further fueled my fear of failure. So round and round it went and my fear kept growing. It grew in intensity and it expanded into other areas of my life. Now my meals had to be perfect, my art had to be perfect, my spouse had to be perfect, I had to be perfect in all things. The things at which I could not be perfect, I rejected or avoided. Life quickly became stressful and very unhappy.

This anxiety loop also caused endless striving – as soon as success was achieved I worried about the next hoop I had to jump through, or the next person I had to surpass. When there was no clear next hoop, I worried about not losing my current status or position.

Anxiety loops trap us into always striving for the next goal, and cause us to miss what is right in front of us. We miss being present for life’s journey. We miss the enjoyment of learning and working towards success because we are too worried about running away from failure.

Once you realize that the road is the goal and that you are always on the road – not to reach a goal, but to enjoy its beauty and its wisdom – life ceases to be a task and becomes natural and simple, in itself an ecstasy.
~~[Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj]

All this perfectionism and striving ended up trapping me in an ever narrowing prison, which is exactly the opposite of my original desire, which was to gain more freedom. Note that attachment and striving are not “bad” in and of themselves, they only become unhealthy when they are motivated by strong fear or aversion.

Attachments are a necessary part of life.

Wisdom and Awareness

To avoid forming unhealthy attachments (fear motivated goals) we need awareness and wisdom. Awareness and wisdom tell us what the problem is, where it is coming from, and how we can effectively tend to it.

Wisdom, according to the Oxford dictionary, is “the soundness of an action or decision with regard to the application of experience, knowledge, and good judgment.” To know what knowledge and experience are relevant, as well as how to apply them, we need awareness. However, awareness can also uncover inconvenient truths about ourselves, our family and friends, our life, or our world that we find difficult to digest.

When we form an attachment to awareness, we develop a fear of learning difficult truths. This is why many of us use ignorance and delusion as coping mechanisms to reject awareness. The truth may be too painful or difficult to accept. On the other hand, I have seen firsthand what delusion and keeping up appearances have done to my parents and family. Secrets and lies are a burden to self and to those around us. False images of self and others lead to poor decisions as well as unnecessary anxieties and suffering. Love cannot thrive in an environment that is filled with secrets and lies.

This is not to say that awareness is always better than ignorance. In fact, ignorance and delusion are a natural and necessary part of life. There are many things in life that we do not have the time to learn. In addition, if we spent all of our time trying to be aware of all things, we would have no time left over for the pleasures of life.

There are also many mysteries in life that we do not know and can never explain. Questions about the soul, the meaning of life, the Creator of life and the universe, the uncaused cause. This is necessary ignorance. In fact, all of life could just be a dream or a delusion, as in Total Recall. We cannot know for sure.

I have a curious mind so I am always asking questions. This is particularly true when I am passionate about a topic. I will keep asking and digging because I want to learn and understand. The more I learn though, the more anxieties I have. Knowledge can be scary and painful. But the reward for that pain is an open mind that is able to entertain any point of view, story, or experience.

The reward for the pain of awareness is an open mind that is able to entertain any point of view, story, or experience.

Fear and Acceptance

Fear tells us to protect ourselves by setting up walls and boundaries. We identify possible threats and separate ourselves from them so that we will not get hurt physically or emotionally. We may reject activities, foods, places, relationships, uncomfortable thoughts, and painful memories. If we let fear control us, we eventually become scared, paralyzed, and alone.

As fear grows, it becomes aversion and we develop fear-motivated attachments. Such unhealthy attachments can become anxiety/depression loops and spiral downward quickly. Without careful tending, fear attachments multiply, crowding out healthy love-motivated attachments until only anxiety and depression remain. It is important to remember however, that fear comes from love, so the best way to deal with fear is to return her to love. The solution to this love-fear conflict is acceptance.

There are two kinds of suffering. There is the suffering you run away from, which follows you everywhere. And there is the suffering you face directly, and so become free.
~~[Ajahn Chah]

When we face our fears and learn to accept them, we can let love into our lives again. To face our fears we need to –

1. Be aware when we feel fear.
2. Be calm enough to name fear and embrace her. Naming fear can engage the left or logical side of our brain, which helps to regulate our emotions. Mindful breathing, becoming the Observer, visualization, journaling, talking, and tapping are further tools for self-soothing.
3. Once our minds are calm, we can analyze fear and identify the thoughts, memories, or attachments that power the emotion. What do we fear? Why do we fear it? Are our fears accurate? Cognitive behavioral therapy can be useful here.
4. Based on our analysis, we determine if we want to follow fear’s advice. This is where wisdom comes into play. If we decide that there is nothing to fear, then we lean into fear and do the opposite. We keep doing it or decide on doing it until the fear dissipates. This helps to create tolerance for that particular fear, which helps to weaken it.
5. We may also adjust or correct inaccurate thoughts or attachments that power our fears, which will further weaken the pattern.

By facing and weakening various fear patterns, we also weaken the attachments associated with those fears. Ultimately, those unhealthy attachments will no longer have any strength and we would have let them go. We also have attachments that come from love, which fulfill our heart’s desires. These we want to keep and protect from the misdirection of unfounded fears or aversion.

Only to the extent that a person exposes themselves over and over again to annihilation and loss can that which is indestructible be found within them. In this daring lie dignity and the spirit of true awakening.
~~[Jack Kornfield]

By facing and weakening various fear patterns, we also weaken the attachments associated with those fears.

Conflict and Suffering

Our brains reward certainty, permanence, and awareness, because they help in our survival. The more we know and the more stability we have in our daily lives, communities, and environment, the better our chances for survival. However, Nature is ever-changing, impermanent, and contains many mysteries. Nature also places limits on time, space, matter, and energy.

Whenever we run up against these limits, conflict arises, fear arises, and we feel pain and suffering. Since Nature’s laws are not in our control, these conflicts are difficult to resolve and can sometimes turn into anxiety loops that keep growing our fears. Because Nature imposes limits on us, pain, fear, and suffering are part of human life. They are not an affliction or illness but rather a shared universal human experience.

However, this does not mean that we are totally helpless. While some suffering is necessary, we create a lot of unnecessary suffering because our brains try to optimize for short-term pain avoidance. We end-up feeding many of our fear motivated attachments and growing our fears until we are buried by them. This is why awareness is critical. If we are aware of our fears and their related attachments, then we may tend to them and weaken their influence.

In most cases, it is difficult to tell whether our actions or strivings are motivated by love or fear. Often, it is motivated by both. Fear based attachments tend to be outcome based, so we derive very little pleasure from them. Once an outcome is reached, we quickly get driven forward by fear again. Fear causes us to prove ourselves over and over again. Love based attachments are process based, outcomes are less relevant, and there is more lasting happiness.

Rather than trying to separate out the different classes of attachments, I find it more effective to simply face my fears whenever they arise. By facing my fears I build up a tolerance for fear, and I can gradually weaken and release fear-based attachments. This gives me more freedom to form new love-based attachments and to just enjoy the process of achievement. By facing my deepest fears related to thoughts, emotions, and memories, I free myself to entertain any thought, experience any emotion, and recall any memory. In this way, I gain limitless freedom of consciousness.

Because Nature imposes limits on us, pain, fear, and suffering are part of a shared universal human experience.

Meaning of Life

We are born to want. We are born to want to give pleasure and to receive pleasure. This results in love. We are born to want to avoid pain. This results in fear.

Frequently, our wants may compete or even conflict with one another. When we develop too many fear attachments or prioritize fear attachments over love attachments, then we start to sacrifice pleasure for short-term pain avoidance. This can lead to fear crowding out love and we end-up with little pleasure and a lot of unnecessary pain.

To avoid this very unhappy state of affairs, we want to embrace our fears. When we do this, we will soon realize that beneath all that fear is a lot of emotional pain that we are too afraid to touch. The most core fear of all is the fear of pain. This is the ultimate pattern that we must dispel.

Running from pain will only strengthen our fears and lead to more suffering. Therefore, we must face our pain. This requires us to stay with the pain and experience it. We do this by using the same emotion regulation techniques as we did for fear. The more we dwell with our pain, the more skilled we become at regulating it and the more tolerance we build. When we develop enough mental discipline to dwell comfortably in pain, we truly free ourselves from suffering.

The dance of life is learning to hold both love, fear, and all the dualities they generate in loving-kindness (without judgement) and to move comfortably between them depending on circumstance. This is also known as the Middle Way in Taoism. If we only see things as black and white or good and bad, we will miss what is possible and invite into our hearts unnecessary anxiety, depression, and suffering. When we can maintain peace in the midst of conflict, when we can be comfortable in discomfort, when we can smile at our own suffering, then our consciousness is free to fly wherever it desires, and we have found Heaven on Earth.

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering. If there is a purpose in life at all, there must be a purpose in suffering and in dying. But no man can tell another what this purpose is. Each must find out for himself, and must accept the responsibility that his answer prescribes.
~~[Gordon W. Allport]

The dance of life is learning to hold both love, fear, and all the dualities they generate in loving-kindness.

“After two months on this program, I am now a lot better. I am almost back to normal!,” they exclaim, with postings of happy, smiley pictures.

Finally, I stopped reading this depression support page because it was making me feel a lot more depressed. So what was I really feeling and why?

I was envious of their progress because this particular program was not very effective for me. I was irritated and angry with them (blame) for making me feel even worse about myself. I was very disappointed and depressed with myself for doing so poorly compared to others. Finally, I was very afraid that I would never get better because all these other people were making progress and I was only standing still or regressing.

Your Puny-Pathetic Depression is Not as Good as My Awesome Manly Depression

Depression and Envy

Comparing my own performance with that of others is something that I learned early in life and that got reinforced in my many years of schooling, as well as at work. When I was young, I competed with my brother for my father’s attention. At school, my parents told me that I wasn’t good enough unless I got perfect A’s on every subject. That was what I strived to do.

In college we were graded on a curve, so we were literally in competition with everybody else. At work, we were also graded on a curve. Only so many people got the higher percentage bonuses and salary raises. Only the best got promoted. The bottom performers got the boot, with the well-understood company motto of “move up or move out.”

In short, comparison of self to others is a commonly reinforced practice. Unfortunately for me, it led to a lot of unnecessary angst and suffering, while I quested for a perfect life. Now, I was comparing my depression with the same results. Such comparison thoughts often result in harmful self-esteem attacks such as why am I such a mess, not good enough, not strong enough, not courageous enough, and much more.

Initially, I tried to make myself feel better by talking down the person who was claiming fast success –

• She is taking antidepressants, so of course she is feeling better.
• My depression is so much more serious than hers.
• I had childhood trauma so I already started off at a disadvantage.
• She is super rich and beautiful, what does she have to get depressed about?!

However, none of these things are truly helpful, nor even true. People would also tell me to stop comparing, but that is on par with people telling me not to feel depressed, not to feel angry, or not to feel envy – it simply does not work.

So what does work? For me, the solution lies in doing more emotion-work. Here are some of my feelings –

1. Fear that I will never get better from my anxiety and depression.
2. Envy that someone else has gotten better. Shame that I haven’t gotten better.
3. Envy that someone else gets to do fun things. Shame that I cannot do those same things.
4. Anger that this group, which is supposed to make me feel better, has made me feel worse.

Fear, Envy, and Anger

Here are some thoughts and responses that were more helpful –

1. Fear and depression are just emotions, they are perfectly ok. I just need to feel them, tend to them, understand their message, and go from there.
2. I hold these problematic thoughts within me with loving compassion and analyze them. Yes, there are likely many people who have “recovered” from depression in a shorter amount of time, and that is ok. Am I happy with my own progress? Yes I am, and that is good enough!
3. In my prouder moments, I can extend my loving compassion and be happy for others. After all, I do not really want others to suffer. The suffering of others does not lighten my own suffering. On the other hand, extending loving compassion rewards me with feelings of pride and happiness.
4. What someone else says or believes has absolutely no impact on me unless I let it be so. As with the other emotions, I want to get more comfortable with envy and shame. The more ideas or belief frameworks I can tolerate, the more free I will be and the more wisdom I will gain.

Note that my feelings had very little to do with the other person or with the depression group. It had more to do with my own thoughts, beliefs, perspective, and how I deal with my emotions. In dealing with my internal landscape now, I reduce the intensity of the difficult emotions and change my perspective on the same set of facts.

Envy consists in seeing things never in themselves, but only in their relations. If you desire glory, you may envy Napoleon, but Napoleon envied Caesar, Caesar envied Alexander, and Alexander, I daresay, envied Hercules, who never existed.
~~ [Bertrand Russell]

Depression and Envy

Depression and Shame

Depression comparison also goes the other way. A common piece of advice I received from friends, colleagues, and family about depression is to “not feel so bad because my life is very good compared to many others.”

• “Don’t feel so bad, many people have it much worse than you do.”
• “Think about all the people who have lost parents, siblings, spouses, or children.”
• “He was in a concentration camp, but look at what he is doing now.”

I feel badly for people who have suffered, especially for those who have suffered greatly. However, this does not make me feel less depressed, nor does it remove the source of my own suffering or depression. Perhaps these statements or self-thoughts may help some people, but it does little to help me. Upon closer inspection, it actually encourages feelings of shame. This type of depression-shaming only makes me feel worse. I feel like I do not have the right to feel depressed after having lost the two loves of my life, because they are not human.

Now when I start feeling depressed, I tell myself this –

Yes, I miss Shania and Lara greatly because I love them greatly. Yes, I am in pain and want to grieve, and that is ok. I can go ahead and grieve and take as much time as I want.

I cry, sing our special songs, look at photographs, recall bitter-sweet memories, and more. I no longer try to avoid my deep sorrow. I simply let myself fully experience my depression.

Often, when someone is grieving or in emotional pain, the best thing we can do is to acknowledge their sorrow, let them grieve and join them in that pain. Happy talk, social-comparisons, and depression shaming does not work well, especially in the long-term.

When someone is grieving or in emotional pain, the best thing we can do is to acknowledge their sorrow, let them grieve and join them in that pain.

Sometimes, social-comparisons may give us some pleasure in the short-term. This emotion is called schadenfreude, which is “the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, or humiliation of another”. However, that usually only happens with smaller misfortunes and the feeling is fleeting.

A 2011 study in the journal Emotion found that people with low self-esteem were more likely to experience schadenfreude when confronted with a high achiever’s setback
~~[US News]

A Closed Heart

My mother was a very unhappy person. She spent much of her time comparing herself to others, comparing me to others, and comparing everybody to everybody else. These social-comparisons powered her inner and outer critics and they were both very strong.

I have always lived in fear of my mother. I used to avoid thinking of her and would almost have a panic attack whenever I anticipated a phone call from her. This is because she always made me feel lousy. I was never good enough, never smart enough, never good enough at playing the piano, etc. In fact, she spread her unhappiness to everyone around her. Nobody ever loved her well enough, gave her a good enough present, appreciated her enough, and I have no memories of her laughing or even smiling. She was full of negative judgements, she made the people around her suffer, and she made herself suffer most of all. This type of social-comparison led her to reject others and to reject parts of herself. One of my core fears has always been that I would turn out like her.

I have since realized that all of us have this tendency or seed within us. The question is how we choose to tend to it. Do we simply react and keep repeating this tendency until it becomes habit, or do we respond wisely and weaken its grip on us. This is in our control.

Black and white judgements lead to a closed heart. Our strong outer critic causes us to withdraw, see inadequacies in everyone, blame everyone for our unhappiness, and reject everyone around us. Our strong inner critic causes us to stop trying, see inadequacies in ourselves, blame ourselves for our condition/unhappiness, and reject parts of our body, thoughts, memories, and emotions. Our life narrows and we end up alone, feeling abandoned, hopeless, betrayed, and more depressed than ever.

Black and white judgements lead to a closed heart and we end up alone, abandoned, and betrayed.

Cultivating an open heart is not easy, but here are some things that I try to do –

1. Every time I feel the urge to criticize others, I try to catch myself, do some mindful breathing, do some self-soothing, let my irritation pass, and do something constructive. I leave the event for later analysis.
2. Every time I start to criticize myself, I try to catch it, do some mindful breathing, and analyze my thoughts and feelings. If those thoughts are inaccurate, I do some thought-correction or adjustment. If those thoughts are accurate, I work on accepting them, getting comfortable with them, and doing some self-soothing.
3. When I make mistakes, I apologize when I can, forgive myself (because breaking life-long habits is hard to do), and continue trying.

Some people wonder why I am spending so much time inside my own head. Doesn’t it make me more depressed? Doesn’t it take up a lot of my time? Isn’t it taking over my life?

Analyzing my emotions, thoughts, and memories, is very different from rejecting and suppressing them. Previously, I was putting all my effort into stopping difficult thoughts, memories, and emotions, whereas now I accept, analyze, adjust, and soothe. The more I do this, the more comfortable I am with my own mind.

In the book Be Angry: The Dalai Lama on What Matters Most, they talk about how analyzing thoughts and emotions within a healthy framework can “transform deep pain into limitless freedom.” Such a journey is worth all the time in the world.

Only to the extent that a person exposes themselves over and over again to annihilation and loss can that which is indestructible be found within them. In this daring lie dignity and the spirit of true awakening.
~~[Jack Kornfield]

The journey to transform pain into limitless freedom is worth all the time in the world.

• The Mayo Clinic describes depression as “a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.”
• In her seminal book On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross includes depression as one of the five key stages of grief.
• In her book This Is Your Brain on Depression, Faith Harper describes depression as a biochemical learned helplessness response to stress.
• In her book How to Heal Yourself from Depression When No One Else Can, Amy Scher describes depression as a misalignment or misconnection with self-needs or life fulfillment desires.
• Some people see depression as a chemical imbalance in the brain.
• Some people see depression as an inherited wiring of the brain that gets triggered by trauma or stress.
• Some people see depression as suffering, and as such, is part of the common human condition.
• Some people …

In short, there are many belief frameworks about depression, but as with many things in life, no one right answer. And that is one of the most frustrating and depressing things about depression – nobody knows what it really is and nobody knows how to “fix” it. What we have are lists of symptoms that may indicate that we have clinical depression, as well as a range of treatment options that may or may not “work” for us.

This article is about my own experience with depression, and my own framework for understanding it.

Depression – The Terrible D-Word

The Anxiety/Depression Loop

There are two kinds of suffering. There is the suffering you run away from, which follows you everywhere. And there is the suffering you face directly, and so become free.
~~[Ajahn Chah]

All my life I have been suppressing my emotions. Not dealing with my emotions did not make them disappear or go away. They continued to stick around, combined to create new variants, and became much more intense. Not dealing with emotions simply meant that my conscious brain was checked-out. Whenever a negative emotion bubbled up, there would be a busy signal, a do-not-disturb sign, or even worse, a confirmation that negative emotions are threats or illnesses that needed to be “fixed”.

In earlier normal times, I would be ok, because –

1. I had not yet collected a critical mass of emotional baggage.
2. I did not have a large number of negative emotions coming in at once.
3. I was not in a hyper-sensitive state.

However, during times of great trauma, such as the loss of a loved one, I quickly get into trouble.

1. The unprocessed emotional baggage translates into a bunch of wiring or pathways in my brain that are unhealthy.
2. During times of trauma, stress, or significant change, I am experiencing many intense emotions in a very short period of time.
3. Because of the trauma, I am in a hyper-sensitive state, so I feel the emotions more strongly.

Depression Loop – Not dealing with my emotions did not make them disappear or go away.

All this leads to a high risk of developing the anxiety/depression loop. My anxiety/depression loop looks something like this –

1. I wake up and realize that my loved one is dead and I will no longer experience the joy that I felt with her. I may feel a heaviness in my stomach. I think, “Oh no!, another day of feeling horrible.”
2. I feel fear and depression.
3. I get nauseous, I get gassy, I may get abdominal pain, I have difficulty breathing, I start to freak-out.
4. I think I have tried everything and nothing helps. I will never get better. (There may be other negative, self-defeating thoughts here.)
5. I feel more fear, helplessness, hopelessness, fatigue, depression, etc.
6. Loop to step 3 and repeat.

This loop is self-perpetuating and the more it gets repeated, the more it becomes a pattern of thinking. As my freak-out quotient rises, my body goes into full fight-flight mode (also known as an amygdala hijack). Since this loop is self-perpetuating, I may experience a series of such emergency alerts, to the point that my brain gets stuck in this hyper-aroused state for long periods of time.

As this continues, my brain may try to protect me further by looking for more causes/triggers that threaten my survival. Food, time of day, various activities, smells, mold, location, and more, can all be pattern matched to my current condition, thereby triggering even more amygdala hijacks. I cannot sleep because I am wired all the time, with my body thinking it is constantly under threat. This lack of sleep and stress to my body causes me to be bone-tired all the time, leading to more feelings of tiredness, hopelessness, helplessness, and depression.

When this happened to me last year, it led to a significant narrowing of my life. I stopped talking to friends, developed many food sensitivities, lost my appetite, favorite songs and movies now made me feel sick, and I did less and less until I wasn’t doing anything at all except lie in bed feeling terrible. Faith Harper calls this the depression funnel, others call this the downward spiral of depression, and I call this my very own hell. I started to really hate my life, I rejected different parts of myself (especially the parts that were in pain or having difficulties), and I started to really hate being me. I was then deep in clinical depression territory or what some call the dark night of my soul.

The fun did not end there. Every time I would get a positive emotion, I would think “I feel almost normal but this will not last.” Sure enough, upon thinking this, I started to feel fear and the loop starts again. This is why during the depths of a depression loop, I am unable to feel any happiness or positive emotions. Ultimately, this loop can lead to thoughts of suicide because that is seen as the only way of escape from this never-ending suffering.

Clinical Depression – The dark night of my soul

Recovering from My Depression Loop

Only to the extent that a person exposes themselves over and over again to annihilation and loss can that which is indestructible be found within them. In this daring lie dignity and the spirit of true awakening.
~~[Jack Kornfield]

My first step in recovery lay in the primary cause of my depression loop, which was my rejection of negative emotions. To get out of this endless loop, I needed to start dealing with my emotions, especially with fear and depression. I needed to engage or insert my conscious mind into the process again, so that I could respond to my emotions in a healthy manner rather than rely on automatic subconscious reactions.

Rather than trying to get out of feeling “bad”, I relaxed into it. Here are some of the helpful and true things I said to myself –

• I feel fear and that is ok.
• I feel depressed and that is ok.
• I can have good and bad feelings at the same time and that is ok.
• I can feel depressed, afraid, happy, and excited at the same time, and that is ok.
• I am not perfect, and that is ok. I am good enough.
• Life is not perfect and that is ok.
• I cannot control everything, and that is ok. There are many things that I can control.
• My body needs to grieve the loss of my loved ones, and that is ok. Go ahead and grieve and take as much time as you need.

The key, I found, to dealing with my emotions was to develop effective self-soothing techniques. There are a variety of methods for this including the RAIN method presented by Jack Kornfield and others, as well as the RULER method presented by Marc Brackett. Cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness meditation, somatic therapy, energy therapy, and more are additional tools. We can also get external help with medication and talk therapy. A big part of self-soothing involves building up self-esteem and self-love.

Recovering from My Depression Loop

My new anxiety/depression response looks something like this –

1. I wake up and realize that my loved one is dead and I will no longer experience the joy that I felt with her. I may feel a heaviness in my stomach. I think, “Oh no!, another day of feeling horrible.”
2. I feel fear and depression.
3. I get nauseous, I get gassy, I may get abdominal pain, I have difficulty breathing, I start to freak-out.
4. Because of emotion recognition, I am now aware of what I am feeling (fear and depression), as well as physical symptoms related to those emotions.
5. I think, “Ah, my good friends fear and depression have come to visit and that is ok.” I invite them into my heart and start talking to them, trying to ascertain what they are trying to tell me. What is it that I fear? What is it that I am most depressed about? Why? To keep myself from being overwhelmed, I usually deal with the most present emotion first, which in my case has been fear.
6. Based on what I discover, I may “thought correct” where possible. For example, I remind myself that recognizing and accepting my emotions have already started to help. By leaning into my fear instead of running away from her, I am already more comfortable with certain thoughts and memories. Each time I sit with fear, I get a little bit more comfortable with her, and things get a very little bit easier.
7. Some thoughts are true and beyond my control. For example, my two beloved dogs are dead. No more walking, playing, talking, feeding, loving. This is a fact that I need to work on accepting. I tell myself that they are gone, but that is ok, because I will always have them in my heart, and they continue to teach me new lessons every day.
8. By facing my fear and pain, I am now slowly regaining access to more memories, thoughts, content, activities, and locations. Each time I face a fearful or painful memory, my tolerance for it increases. I may use mindful meditation, tapping, or stroking, to help with soothing of challenging sensations, memories, or thoughts. The more triggers I become comfortable with, the more my life expands.
9. For physical symptoms, I shift my awareness toward that part of my body, breathe into and out of it, and send feelings of loving-kindness to the areas that hurt or are having difficulties. This is to remind me to continue loving all parts of myself, especially those parts that are currently under stress. This is in contrast to previous times where physical sensations would cause thoughts of self-rejection such as I hate my sensitive tummy, why is my tummy hurting, I am so weak, I am such a mess, I am so damaged from childhood that I will never get better, etc. Instead of turning on myself, I now send feelings of loving-kindness.
10. When more emotions get triggered, I simply loop back to step 4.

My single most important lesson learned is this – “Feeling bad” is totally ok.

Previously, I was spending all my energy and brain power trying to escape from “bad” emotions. I wanted the salvation fantasy, the fairytale ending, the magic fix that would bring back only the good feelings and let me live happily ever after. This core belief is simply inconsistent with the realities of life.

By letting myself feel all of my emotions, I no longer need to be at war with myself. I can finally start to relax and let go, little by little, of my iron-need for control.

By letting myself feel all of my emotions, I no longer need to be at war with myself.

What Is Depression?

I have shared the emotions and thoughts that led to my depression, as well as the knowledge and techniques that I have found helpful, yet have still not defined depression. So is depression an emotion, a mood disorder, or a mental illness? Is it part of grief or totally different from grief? Is it a biochemical learned helplessness response to stress or a misconnection with self-needs? Is it due to a chemical imbalance, unhealthy brain wiring, unhealthy thinking habits, part of human suffering, or something else entirely? Which definition is correct?

I think that depression can be all of those things. I felt depressed (the emotion) after losing a loved one. As such, it is part of the grieving process. When I rejected or suppressed my emotions (misconnection with self-needs), I developed the anxiety-depression loop that started to really disrupt my ability to function in life. This caused my depression to become a mood disorder or mental illness.

As part of this loop, my nervous system, immune system, and other body systems became overly stimulated, causing physiological changes as well as chemical imbalances in my mind and body. This loop also resulted in unhealthy habits of thinking and revived old inherited habits (inherited brain wiring). All this caused a lot of unnecessary suffering.

God, grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.
~~[Serenity Prayer]

Am I fully recovered?

I am still a work-in-progress and will always be so. I will always miss my dogs and memories of them will likely be bitter-sweet for a long time. That is ok. When I think of them now, I let myself feel all the emotions that arise, including depression. More and more often now, I also feel the happiness I shared with them and I am grateful to have access to those memories again.

My tummy is still gassy and sometimes nauseous, but I now eat whatever I want and there is no increase in symptoms. My tummy may continue to be depressed for a while, and that is also ok. Mindfulness breathing and loving awareness helps with these physical symptoms.

I purposefully face new fear triggers regularly, and this has allowed me to reconnect with friends and relatives, often in a deeper and more authentic way. I also enjoy more activities.

Am I fully recovered?

My goal is to to get comfortable with my current self and my current life. My goal is to love myself just as I am, and that is good enough.

At the beginning of my journey, I was always grasping for the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I relax into the darkness and learn how to dance beautifully within it. In doing so, I am starting to slowly see the light that is within me all along.

Depression – Work in progress